Too Many in Too Little

It has been 3 weeks that I have not updated this blog. My condition was bad and I am still not well. Today, with heavy head I try to write and see if I can complete it and publish it. Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim...

I was okay for 2 days after taking the herbal concoction given by the Traditional & Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. After that series and bouts of pains and fever start to increasingly reducing my ability to get up and move around.

The pain came on my left shoulder and abdomen troubled my sleep. I would get 15 mins of sleep and that's the most. The pain became intense and excruciating that I have nothing else in my mind except pledging for Allah's mercy and love to reduce the pain. I seldom talk, in fact I became some who was not bubbly at all. People don't see my pain and I have not had that sick face so they don't quite figure out why I hardly can't move around or I became so quiet and most of the time I dwell in my world. My world of zikrullaah actually.

Alhamdulillah, my family understands my condition. My children helped me walk to the bathrooms. They took turn serving me and making sure I don't move to the kitchen to send the plates. They vacuum the house because they know there are many visitors coming. My mother cooks for me. They all become a clear evidence of the many blessing bounty that Allah still provided me for....Alhamdulillah...

The fever was odd. It came at 3 pm and subsided by night and flared up again by 3am.... With the pain and the fever, to push myself about living my life to the fullest was really hard. All I have hope. Hope that becomes a prayer. A prayer that Allah cures all pains and fever. I am still thankful, even in this difficulties my hope and my prayers didn't get washed away. Yet, they heightened and I am so much in this believe that Allah is very close to me because I feel so calm and at peace even when I battled my pains and fever.

Hubby said I moaned in my little sleep but I was like uttering istighfar most of the time. I understand the power of istighfar and zikr in times like this. It is not making me thinking about death but it is making me feeling the love of Allah embracing me.

My upper stomach has started to protrude. That's the sign of the stretching liver. The cancers cause it to happen. Like the pain too. The cancers in the liver cause it to occur. Yesterday, the Oncologist gave me the steroid of Dexamethasone for a week to reduce the stretching liver and hopefully will reduce the pain. I was given some sleeping pills so that I can I can sleep well and my body can rest. Otherwise, the sleep deprivation will make me losing energy by day time and that make the body easily tired, like what I was feeling for the past 3 weeks.

I have stopped taking the herbal concoction as told the MO that it defeats the objective of the complementary unit which is to increase the quality of life of the chronic patient. In my case it has proven to aggravate its decline. I want to continue doing my way, InsyaAllah Allah will guide me.

Alhamdulillah, last night I slept well and not get disturbed by the pain. I didn't even complete my 100 zikr of Hasbiyal Allaahi wa nikmal wakeel. Today, I am feeling fresher and able to sit longer. So far typing this entry seems fine with me. The heavy head has gone by now. Syukur...

Today, I will have many visitors. I have been getting many these past weeks. Alhamdulillah, thank you all for making your time coming to visit me. There are so many fadhilats in visiting the sick. I have not forgotten to pray to each of you that Allah forgives all your sins and shower His many barakah and rahmah in your life.

Alhamdulillah, the preparation for the Umrah trip is slowly in order. Alhamdulillah I will be accompanied by my darling hubby MH in the trip. I am taking this opportunity to seek forgiveness from all of you for the wrongdoings I have done. Maybe my tone of writing is not to your liking. Maybe my way of giving nasihat and reminder is not fancied by you. Maybe my way of expressing me thoughts and experiences is not in your favour.

Let's hope this is not the final entry. Should it be, I hope it becomes an avenue that people seek for some good guidance, InsyaAllah.

God bless you all.

Of Good News and Bad News

Alhamdulillahirobbil 'alamiin...

The past weeks were filled up with many events that involved people visiting me. Relatives from my late mother-in-law: Mak Utih and her children - Halim and his family and Mak Usu Ani and her hubby; friends from old school SMSS - so many of them; friends from the blogworld - Suria and her hubby and kind-hearted abRahman who came and gave me the MonaVie juice to try.

In the name of Allah, we strengthen the ukhuwwah and the love for other Moslem brotherhood. There are so many fadhilats in visiting the sick ones... Allah gives us the mercy for both of us and shower us with His many rahmah for the good deeds... InsyaAllah...

I feel so much blessed that in my hard times battling indescribable pain, people took effort and spared their time to come to my house and be with me. The visits were meaningful though I felt bad that I couldn't serve all of them better and I had asked them to make it as comfortable as possible and get their own drink in my kitchen. Nevertheless, I felt the positive vibes seeping and replacing all sadness and the melancholic mood swing vanished as laughter and smiles took place.

Last week also I received news that MH can send me to perform another Umrah. My praise and grace is to Allah for He listens to my doa to give us the rezeki for that purpose. All arrangements were immediately made and I contacted the authorised travel agency that took me in 2007 to the Holy Land to get all details. MH and I visited the agency on Saturday to pay for the deposit and filled up all forms. Alhamdulillah, there is still a vacancy for the selected date and we could book the date.

Realising that my passport has expired, we will visit the agency again this week to pass the renewed passport and pay the remaining balance of the fare. I will be going alone and am praying that Allah eases all matters from the arrangements to my 14 stay in the Holy Lands with good physical, mental and spiritual conditions to perform the Ibadah. I appreciate if all of you can pray for me too. I have to slowly get my energy now for the many Ibadah there. Allah is with me and He will look after me - this is the confidence that MH has and he is letting me go with love and redha in his heart... Thank you for your generosity Darling... May Allah bless you with abundant barakah in your life..ameen.

On 2nd June I will go to the Traditional and Complementary medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. I still have no idea what this center is all about but got some glimpse about it that it is an option for those who have exhausted chemo and radiotherapy. I will write about it after the visit InsyaAllah.

I have been consuming the Noni Extract and the Monavie Juice since the past 2 weeks. These two add to the many supplementary foods I am consuming. So far alhamdulillah, the body is responding well with increased energy and I can see my face is fresher. Pink is slowly becoming the colour of my health...My sleeping pattern is improved too and when the energy is improving I am able to control my breaths when I recite the Holy Qur'an and whenever I do the long prostration I have no problem with giddiness. Alhamdulillah, slowly I am feeling the nikmah of better wellbeing....

I am confident, it is YOUR supplications and prayers that have helped me regain my good spirit and health, apart from the food I consumed. It is undeniably His Love and Mercy. I am blessed to have all of you. Thank you for coming into my life...

I still have occasional chest and lower back pains as the cancers are now in the chest, abdomen and pelvic bones too. But I am not complaining about the pain. They come in times that I need to slow down and have more zikirs.. GOD is never cruel and I am pledging He makes this pain as catalyst to cleanse my sins... It is no more thinking about the cancers. They want to stay, let them. But stay is what they only do. They cannot conquer my mind and spirit to live. They want to live in me, fine. Let them be. I know my doctors are very concerned with my prognosis. It is definitely not getting better but I am very much at peace now and with a better quality of life, I am not asking much more. People can tell of some scary after effect of consequence from my prognosis but I am no longer concerned about that. I know what is happening is the best for me. They can tell me I haven't done good enough. They can say anything. It is Allah that knows the most. I am leaving my life to Him for every second and moment of it. I want His guidance for every second of my life...

I hear many death news off late. Some sadness swept every time I hear the news but I have to accept it as part of the promise Allah gave us long before. Every living thing will die. Only we don't know when our time to leave the earth will come. Some return to Him soon, some later but we all still leave for Him. Death is definitely not an ending of a life. It is the beginning of the eternal one. Some news shocked many of us as the healthy one dies. When the time is up, nothing can come in between. Not even your health. Some left without leaving goodbyes and news like that is more heart-wrenching as closed ones are not ready to let go.

And this morning, a recent closer cancer patient-sister, Azura who was the cousin for Jordan's wife and the sister in law for Yani of Kitchen Guardian blog has left us all after battling acute leukemia. May her soul be showered with His rahmah and placed amongst His loved ones...ameen. I am consoling myself that she is no longer in pain now. That she is currently at peace even though I will miss listening to her soft voice and reading her text messages asking me to pray for her. Allah loves you sis. Al-fatihah...

With the bad news, I keep on reminding myself to remember death more. To think of it in the positive way. That I need to leave something for my family and friends. That I need to teach myself and hopefully them about letting go and detachment. That I need to understand a matter of death is a matter of faith. No one lives in immortality. That we bring nothing except the deeds we do on earth. We are given time to correct and improve our deeds. That in life we have priorities and everything we do in setting the priorities in order, all is taken into the account for the eternal life. That life is terminally short and precious.

With the bad news, I am teaching myself to soften my heart. To forgive and ask for forgiveness. Asking forgiveness from God is easy for we know He is the Most Merciful and Loving. All we need is to keep on pledging and begging in sincerity. But asking forgiveness from mankind is difficult for we are not the merciful ones. Loving ones maybe but merciful is hardly. We are affected by emotions and past incidents. Revenge and grudges can be the deadly poison that blackens the heart, making us having difficulty to forgive other mankind. I am teaching myself this hard task still... and I am asking all of you to forgive all my wrong doings that conjure up via my tone of writings in this blog, or my tone of voice in our meetings...

May Allah make us a better mankind and bless us all... ameen...

The Collection For The Fund - Updated (3)

We started the Seeking Hope Fund on 27 April 2010 and we put 27 May 2010 as the last day for the collection to bring the song into the studio and get it recorded. Alhamdulillah as today (27 May), we have collected RM5,475 and the following lists the names of the generous contributors:

1. 27 April 2010 Naziah Mokhtar RM100
2. 27 April 2010 Nurkarimah abdul Kapi RM20
3. 27 April 2010 Hanapiah Tahir RM10
4. 28 April 2010 Shafinaz sehat RM250
5. 28 April 2010 HambaAllah RM10
6. 28 April 2010 NanaDJ RM300
7. 03 May 2010 Rahayu Ezrani RM300
8. 03 May 2010 Hamba Allah RM75
9. 03 May 2010 Tommy YewFigure RM250
10. 05 May 2010 Ainun Hassan RM200
11. 05 May 2010 Suzette Zain RM200
12. 06 May 2010 Aniza ( KakIja) RM500
13. 06 May 2010 Noryati (Kak Yatt) RM150
14. 07 May 2010 Norhayati Abdul Hamid RM40
15. 09 May 2010 Hamba Allah RM100
16. 10 May 2010 Rustam Che Mat RM150
17. 11 May 2010 IPNOCians & others RM1400
18. 11 May 2010 Juwaidah Sharifuddin RM100
19. 11 May 2010 Maimunah Jaafar RM100
20. 11 May 2010 Nurulhuda Azizol RM10
21. 11 May 2010 Mas Zuhairin Zubir RM50
22. 12 May 2010 Prof Kamil & Roza RM100
23. 13 May 2010 Dato' Jaflam RM1000
24. 15 May 2010 HambaAllah RM50
25. 16 May 2010 HambaAllah RM10

Thank you dearest brothers and sisters. May all of you be showered with abundant blessing, happiness, and love... ameen. Alhamdulillah we have reached our minimum target. InsyaAllah with any extra we will channel it for helping others with cancer... I will discuss further with Nazrah on the total cost for the song production and definitely inform all of you.

InsyaAllah, we are on the right track. If everything goes well, the recording will take place soon, insyaAllah.

The Fund is closed at today's date. Let this be the beginning for a noble cause. Let it be the initiation to commence a dream to help others. Let it be the voice of those suffering from cancer.

God bless all of you.

Note: Nazrah told me that the musician needs some time to research gaelic music which will be included in the song composition.

The Cancers Have Spread!

It was the big day yesterday as the doctor had received my PET CT Scan report from Putrajaya hospital. This time the urgency mattered most so I was called in as my file was found. MH and I entered the room and the doctor showed us the printed films that highlighted the flaring of the cancers. How was my reaction to it?

I was very calm this time. We both did. One by one the doctor explained which flaring referred to which part of the body. There is one very hot flaring in the liver, which all of us expected already. No size was mention and the doctor explained that PET CT Scan doesn't really measure sizes of cancers but more of its hot spots in SUV term (the reading for its hotness). The liver is flaring hot at 17.3 and another cancer was picked up at the layer that overlays the liver and the spleen with SUV reading of 10 plus. So there is another critical issue about the liver as the cancer cells have stemmed in and out of the liver.

One cancer was highlighted in the chest wall with SUV 7.5 and I told the doctor, it explained the short of breath and the pressuring sensation I always feel nowadays with incessant slicing and sharp pain like I used to experience way back in 2008. And two more cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes in the stomach. This also another explanation of why I have pain when I eat dinner. Most of the time I have to stop having dinner or anything I eat by 7pm.

I told the doctor about the back pain but she said no cancers were picked up in the scanning and the bone scan indicated I am free of bone cancer too so there is a possibility that it is caused by other thing. The doctor asked if I want to do the chemo and I asked her back if there is any chance of not doing it at the moment. Our concern was the children. We do not want them to be so affected especially the eldest one since this year he is facing his PMR exam. I told the doctor that I know my eldest may not be the smartest kid in his class but I want him to have his peace of mind and focus doing the exam. I had seen how he was badly affected in his UPSR when I was undergoing the chemo at that time.

I was very calm when we talked about the cancer spread but I was not calm anymore when we talked about the children. I felt so sad with the spreading because this time I know it will my little one that is going to face the biggest hurdle. To him, my agility is an indication that I am alright that I am not 'damaged' by the cancer. He really shows his concerns to me off late. At one time that I felt sick a few weeks back, he insisted that he would only eat as he spoon-fed me. He would sit near my legs and always rested his head on my legs. Sometime to shake them to make sure that I reacted back - an indication that I am still alive.

So the doctor agreed that we hold back the chemo treatment and I asked her if I can try any other ways of some complementary medicine. She told me at this point of time just go ahead, since we almost exhausted our means with chemo (not many drug left and even then there is no guarantee it will give the needed treatment). My cancer has the character of an aggressive type. Robust and easily building its immunity to drugs. With the withholding, the doctor suggested that I take Aromasin at least we try to curb its growth and I will her my doctor month by month as she wants to see my physical progress or decline. In 3 months, we will do another scanning. I am going to refer myself at the Traditional and Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. The juices can continue. So are the supplementary foods, the Noni, the Brazillia Murell Mushroom, The Mahogany fruit, the Pecah Beling, the habbatussawda, the Keladi Tikus,the Hempedu Bumi and some others.

Was I felt that all my efforts are useless? No, I was not feeling that way. I understood that the result is the best given for me. It is hard to explain how I can stay calm like today. I have accepted all these and only Allah is the one who can give me such peaceful feeling. Allah gave me a spoonful of hardship in 2004 and increased the dose in 2008 and increased the dose in 2009 and increased the dose in 2010. All is about the determination to face the hardship head-on and not running away from it. Anyway, I don't have anywhere to run. God gave me this sickness so when all efforts I tried seemed not to work and I have kept saying I accepted all these tests, it is not an indicator that I can now stop all efforts and focus only at praying or having a build-in cave on my praying mat.

It is not about that. Redha and Tawakkal comes after efforts. Those don't stand alone. It is not part of the Ikhtiar. The DUIT concept of Doa, Usaha, Ikhtiar and Tawakkal works well with asking for guidance from Allah, asking for forgiveness from Allah (Doa-supplication), then find ways to cure or ease the hardship (Usaha), if one way is not working be reasourceful and try to find other ways like for example if you are sick you see a doctor but the fever doesn't go away so you change doctor and try a diffreent medicine, that is ikhtiar and after all those are done we submit our efforts to Allah and pray that one of the ways is the right one and give all matters to Allah for Allah is the best administrator of all our matters. the DUIT concept is wholesome effort not an independent of each other. In fact Doa must be all the way as you reach the U, the I and the T.

Allah is with us. He is watching how we react to this tribulation. I have no more regrets that despite all efforts the cancers are still in body, not only staying but spreading. Don't I cry? Yes I still cry especially when I forward my forgiveness to God. How I may become a forgetful servant and how sometimes I become laghaa with all temptations. I learn to cleanse my heart and I really feel the guilt that it is still not purify because of the anger and sadness battling the menopausal syndrome or the pain. O Allah...I am truly seeking your forgiveness... please forgive me... ameen...

Life is terminally short for me now. I really want to savour, enjoy and appreciate each moment I have. I am still firmly holding that in matter between life and death there is, there is always HOPE.

My hope is still as high as the Everest Mountain and as wide as the spread of the horizon. I am deeply blessed to be able to get up every morning, do the breakfast, tend to my garden, walk a bit here and there and handle the pain with ease... Alhamdulillah, for Allah is the one that makes all those possible.

Dear brothers and sisters, you have known my condition. It is more bitter than sweet. Let's all pray it will be sweet at the end. It will be easy. It will be calming and I am showered with strength and courage... I have been blessed because of your prayers and I know it is only with prayers I have come so far feeling more peaceful and calm even though I have not received joy and good news.

If you still want to walk with me, please do. If still want to hold my hands, please do. If you still want to lend me your shoulders, I need many. I appreciate each friendship and the love you all send, they are priceless. I still feel I can't thank you enough.

Only God knows and I seek His Mercy and Love to grant all of the abundant goodness, wellness, blessings and good returns in all your help and assistance.

'I seek no strength but your strength Ya Robb. It will be hard bumpy road after this and I may tumble often. Give me Your strength and courage to get up and smile. Don't make me crumble. Hold me in Your Love. Hold me in Your Mercy. Hold me in Your Forgiveness. Ameen'

He is not little anymore...

15 years ago, at this hour I was wheeled into the Operation Room after fighting for my life to try to bring my eldest son out into this world. The water had broken but the baby refused to go out.

I was admitted into the hospital 30 hours before as the water broke. The contraction started to get frequent and I had terribly warned my hubby from leaving my sight. i squeezed his hand and the hand of a nurse until it turned blue. The doctor and the nurses at Bluffton Community Hospital, Ohio asked me to control my breath and pushed the baby out. But the dilation went up to 7cm only.

It was when the baby's heart rate started to drop that the doctor became very concerned and my gyneacologist, Dr Stymertz was called in. An X-ray machine was brought into the labor room and they saw that the baby's head had tilted. The concerned peak and I was rushed into the labor room. My hubby was ushered into the OR too.

I was very much awake, feeling very cold and trying to digest what was happening to me. My bone marrow was injected a few times with epidural so I lost my nerve waist down but I was still conscious. I tried a conversation with MH asking him what is the doctor doing as I felt like someone drawing something on my tummy. It was not drawing though, it was an incision made for the C-Section.

Not long after that I heard a loud cry and saw the nurses brought one big baby to a corner. Oh! That's my baby... so big..curling in my tummy... I was slurring to MH and tears welled and streamed at the corners of my eyes. He weighed 4.15kg, the darkest and loudest baby in the whole Bluffton Community Hospital. The baby that we named Adam Zachary and the doctor said: It sure took us A to Z to bring you out little, man!

That was the journey of bringing my baby out into the world. The beginning and the never forgotten one. Raising him alone without any family members in the USA was quite a task. No matter how MH kept on telling me that he was not ready to become a dad, he did perform his task and duties of changing the diapers, waking up at night to feed the baby, to cuddle him, to rock him when he needed to be spoilt as I went to the classes.

That was 15 years ago. Now, this baby of mine seldom like to see me hug me unnecessarily. He has grown taller. He has become so concerned with his appearance or the many pimples that start peeping out from his forehead and cheeks. His voice has become huskier, a sign that he is now becoming a growing man.

Happy Birthday Adam... I see you grow in front of my eyes and to be able to enjoy today - your 15th birthday is indeed a blessed one. Mummy still remember the moments you kicked in my tummy. Mummy still remember reading the Qur'an to you aloud so you become familiar with it. Mummy still remember taking you around the park and talk to you about the hard life in a foreign land, about missing all family members back home in Malaysia and how impatient we became to introduce you to the rest of the family.

When Mummy was diagnosed with breast cancer, you were only 8 years old and how it changed your character. From the bubbly and perky child to an introvert son. You watched me being so sick with the chemo. You wanted to reach me but you felt so helpless and I saw it in your eyes. Mummy felt sorry that you had to undergo all those. The fact that many of your childhood moments were traded with looking after me being sick was something that can still make me cry. I am so sorry you lost your childhood moments, not having a chance to play outside the house, to help clean or serve me. What you endure, had made you mature earlier. You got tensed with the expectation. You at times hurled the frustration out. Your studies got affected badly. I am so sorry my son....

I am blessed to have you. Never mind that you have never been a smarter kid in your class. To me and daddy you are our gem. You are an amanah from God. Mummy and daddy are blessed. When Mummy can hear you reciting the Qur'an after the prayer, Mummy feels so serene. When Mummy sees you help you little brother, Mummy feels the joy. When Mummy sees you help daddy with house chores, Mummy feels so, so blessed not it is still with some guilt that Mummy can't contribute much.

Be a good man, my son. Be a good Moslem and help adik improvise his duties to God. Your journey is still long. Enjoy each day with gratitude that whatever you have today, you may not have it tomorrow. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, like I am your best friend. Thank you for running to me when you need a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for telling me what is in your heart in your special way. You seldom express but you do share. Thank you for making Mummy's life more colourful from the day you were born.

Apart from marrying daddy, and having adik around, You are the best thing that ever happens to me because you are my eldest son.

May you always be protected and loved by God with His rahmah along your life. May you shine in your endeavours and be a better person in your life... ameen.

Adam you are not little anymore, but you are always a baby to Mummy!

The Tempeh Seller Story

since I like to eat tempeh, I think this story is worthy to be shared:

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In Karangayu, a small village in Kendal, Central Java, there lived a woman selling tempeh. Incompetent to do other job, she made tempeh and sold it at a wet market. Nevertheless, she never complained about the little earning that she got. She lived her life happily always in gratitude with the blessing she got in her life. "If this tempeh can take me to heaven, why should I regret it. ..” there she consoled herself with a great appreciation to her life.

One fine morning, after the Dawn Prayer, she started packing to sell her tempeh. She took a bamboo basket and started filling it with her tempeh that she had wrapped on a long kitchen table. She picked one and opened it. Much to her surprise, her tempeh was not fermented yet in tempeh form. It was still in the form of soya beans, some loose, yet united ties from the fermentation of the yeast to look like a soft white cotton.

The wrapped soya beans still had to wait one more day to be a tempeh. Her body felt weak as she needed the money for her daily spending. she could only imagine, this day she's definitely not going to get money, to eat, and to buy soybeans, and she became so devastated.

In the midst of desperation, hope dawned in her chest. She knew that, if she asked God, surely nothing will be impossible. So, tilting her head up, she raised her hand, she read a prayer. "O Allah, You know my troubles. I know you would love thy humble servant of this. Help me O God, make this soybean to be tempeh. Only to you I leave my fate ... ". In her heart, she believed, God would grant her prayer.

Calmly, she pressed and compressed the wrapper leaf of those tempehs. She still could feel the warmth that ran through the leaves. The fermentation process was still ongoing. Her chest rumbled and nervousness ran through her spine. And slowly, she opened the wrapper leaf of the tempeh. And ... she was disappointed. It was still some loose soybeans and not a tempeh. Forcing a smile, she stood up. She was sure that God was still "processing" her prayer. Her tempeh would be fermented in no time, she became optimistic with it.

She believed, God would not torment the faithful servant like her. Putting all the wrapped soybeans and some half made tempeh into the basket, she prayed again. "Oh God, Nothing is impossible to you. You are the Almighty, that there was nothing I could do other than selling tempeh. Therefore, O God, please grant my prayer ... "

Before locking the door and walked toward the market, she unwrapped another tempeh. It must have been so now, she thought. With a pounding heart, she peered and ... not so. The soybeans were not fully white. There was no change in any of these soybeans fermentation. "Wonders of God will come ... for sure," she cajoled herself confidently.

So she walked to market. Throughout the trip, she believed, "the hand" of God is working to finalize the process of fermentation of her many tempehs in her bamboo basket. Again and again she prayed ... assuring herself, God would grant her prayer.

Reaching the market, she stopped at a corner where she used to sell and she put the basket down. "It must have been now that my tempeh is ready!" she thought. With trembling hands, she opened the wrapper leaf of that tempeh, slowly. And.. she jumped!The tempeh was still not changed. Still the same as when she first opened in the kitchen.

Disappointed, tears started to stream her wrinkled cheeks. "Why are my prayers not answered? Why the Tempe is not so? Why is God so unfair? Does He want me to suffer? What have I done?" Thus her inner raged.

With a limp, she placed the half-fermented tempeh on top of a plastic that has been provided. Her hands moved slowly almost lifeless, she had no conviction that people would buy her 'tempeh'. And suddenly she felt hungry and felt so alone. God had forsaken her, she thought.

More tears dripped. She could not imagine selling tomorrow ... tomorrow she would not be able to eat. She saw the market bustle, people passing, and "friends" among sellers at the right side of her Tempeh who began packing his wares as they finished selling theirs. She nodded at them as they bid goodbye and left. Her grief began to peak. She tried to remember if she had experienced this event. She looked down and thought her Tempeh was never in this condition - unfinished, not done. Her sobs increased and became loud weeps. She felt this test was a heavy tribulation for her... ...

In the midst of her sadness, a pat o9n her shoulder stopped her sobs.She turned to her side and saw a beautiful woman in her midlife smiling and looking at her. "Sorry Madam, do you sell half-finished tempeh? I'm tired from early morning looking around this market for half-finished tempeh, and I cannot find one. Do you have Madam? "

The tempeh seller tempeh was dumbfounded. Unnerved. Suddenly, her face turned pale. Without answering the question of the beautiful woman, she quickly lifted her hands. "Oh God, now I do not want it to be Tempe. Please Do not grant my earlier prayer. Leave it alone tempe as before to be half-made, Do not make tempe ... ". Then she immediately took her tempeh. But, doubting it, she put it down again. “I am scared it has become tempeh ..."

"So how Madam? Do you sell those tempeh I want?", asked the woman again. Panic swept over her again. "Dear Lord, how is this? Please God, do not make tempeh huh?" she said repeatedly. And with a trembling hand, she slowly opened the wrapper leaf of that tempeh. In the warm leaf, she still saw tempe which was half-made. "Alhamdulillah!" She cried, involuntarily. She immediately asked the woman how many she wanted and put all she had into a plastic bag and handed it over to the woman feeling so happy.

She asked the woman why she was looking for a half-made tempeh and the beautiful woman answered:"Oohh, it's my son who is studying oversea wants to eat tempeh so I need to buy the hald-made tempeh so that when the tempeh reaches my son, it will be just nice and not spoiled already. So when I send tomorrow, the tempeh is still palatable." The woman paid the seller and left. The seller was relieved that her prayers were granted. She packed and repeatedly thanking God.


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Morale of the story:
In everyday life, we often pray, and "forcing" God to give us what we think is the most suitable for us. And if our prayer is not granted, we feel abandoned, disappointed. But, God knows best what is most suitable for us. Never place any bad feeling or intention to God and believe His plan is PERFECT.

When God grants us our prayers, He listens to us,
When God delays granting our prayers, He is testing us,
When God doesn't grant us our prayers, He has a better plan for us.

God is perfect and He gives the best to us. He may give something we do not like and as a human being, we kind of like the nice and the things we want not knowing it may be the thing that is bad for us. So when God gives something not of our wish, take it with full acceptance for God is all-knowing.

Do not despair, as God's love is every where.

Hope this story benefit us all.

Updates

Alhamdulillah, my deepest gratitude is to Allah....

My health is getting better after a 3 day fever with bodily pain that occurred last week. And the pain had caused me to lose my ability to sit rather long when I had the intention to update my blog.

My little one had skipped his afternoon school with his concern that I was sick and he wanted to look after me. Not having the energy to quarrel with him I just kept quiet and let him skipped school. Much to my surprise, he did help though. He massaged my legs and arms and wiped my tears that came out due to the fever. Partly, I had that melancholic mood because I was moved by his loving gestures.

Tiredness still hit yet I know to recuperate from one sickness, I may require a slow progress. So slowly, yet surely I felt it that I was getting better and the last two days when there was a sudden surge of eagerness in my heart and my mind raced faster thinking about some interior designing and changing, I knew I was attacked by the susunitis syndrome - a syndrome 9it is not in the dictionary though) of wanting to rearrange furniture in the house.

Once it is attacking, I knew my mind was jolted to be active and I would be okay soon. I tried to wait for a couple more days but the mind was very disturbed as I kept thinking about it. So I started doing my living room. One by one I moved and vacuumed and mopped until sweat drenched my clothes and bandanna. Finally I saw the whole living room was transformed. I felt so good. I felt so jubilated. I felt awesome!

Not feeling tired, I did the kitchen and enough work for a day. That night I slept soundly. Yet I dreamed about seeing a nicer bedrooms. That morning I worked on my bedroom and the study/solat room. I left the big furniture that looked stuck at certain corners. I just moved those I felt I could move. Alhamdulilah, the sweat, the joy and the new look of the entire house has given me some aspiration to keep doing something I like. when I put my love and passion doing it, I forgo my other addiction and those are FB-ing and blogging. I surfed the FB once a while as I sat at the sofa, resting, even then I could only read others and updated mine.

Alhamdulillah, the health is getting better. I sweat well and I like that so much. Tomorrow I will be at Hospital Putrajaya for a PET-CT Scan. Starting today, I have to start fasting on my daily juices and any green leafy veggies. InsyaAllah, everything will be smooth and okay. Whatever the result maybe, I have placed my tawakkal to Allah. The best it is, definitely from Him.



Update #2: Seeking Hope Fund

Alhamdulillah... syukur I extend my gratitude to Allah for I see increasing amount being debited into my account. As of today the amount that is stated in my bank account is RM1,265.00. Some of you notified me and some others don't ( I take it as some of you prefer to remain anonymous. I had the intention to itemise the payment received so that you know that you had contributed. Please drop a comment if you disagree with this and those who prefer to keep his/her identity, I'll put as 'HambaAllah'. To everyone that is generous enough to help me, I seek Allah's love and mercy to grant all you a stronger hidayah, sakinah, hasanah, barakah and rahmah...ameen.

The fund is still far from the minimum amount needed and I am pledging that many of you are inspired as much as I do to make this dream a reality. This is not a song about me alone anymore...it is about anyone of us. It is about finding faith and strengthening faith when a test such as sickness is befallen unto us. I hope I will be able to accumulate the needed amount 27th May, 2010. InsyaAllah...

Seeking Hope Fund (Tabung Ku Gapai Harap)

The last time I wrote my poem entitled Ku Gapai Harap (seeking Hope), I was looking for a composer to compose a song suitable for the poem. A sister friend, Mas Zuhairin introduced me to Nazrah Anwar who said she is willing to consider working on it...

The poem is the voice spoken from the brittle heart of mine. It was raw, very very raw but I was confident Nazrah could reach out to what I wanted to express. She revamped the poem to suit the rhythm and rhyme of the song. She had made it into a beautiful song indeed.

She forwarded the skeleton of the song to me and even by listening to what she claimed as skeleton, I was so moved and was weeping badly as the song ended. She made it like I was speaking my worry and concerns... I kind of seeing the bigger picture already. In the name of Allah, I intended to share my voice with a bigger audience in a different arena... and Allah has eased me by giving me a friend who introduced Nazrah who has written many songs for and to name a few are Keabadian Cinta (sang by Anuar zain) and Teman Terulung (also sang by Anuar Zain), and Allah gave her inspiration to work on the song so soon even though most of the time, the lyrics comes after a song is being composed.... Alhamdulillah....

Last night she emailed me with the updates that she has found a producer and the producer is doing the chord charts now. We both need some funding to produce the song though. According to her, we need about RM5,000.00 to produce a song. We both do not have such large funding and we need some help from many of you.

Please listen to the song and read the lyrics are as below:

Kembaliku Pada Ilahi

Ku jitukan yakin
Pada setiap sujudku
Jariku susun rapi
Mengirim doa tulus nurani

Waktu yang mendatang
Bak mega mendung hitam
Kelam malam aku sendiri

Hujung perjalanan pasti aku pergi
Tiada mungkin dapat aku menghindari
Sebelum nafasku berhenti berdetik
Amankanlah kepedihan ini
Biar pun getir dalam ku menanti
Tak berdaya namun terus ku hadapi
Menggapai harapan diriku terpilih
Kembaliku padaMu Ilahi
Kembaliku padaMu Ilahi

Hilangkan getar duka
Gusar jauh terusir
Terang bersinar cahaya damai

Lagu: Azalea April 2010
Lirik: Raden Galoh/Azalea April 2010

To listen to the song, please click at this Youtube site:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkSs90N1uz0



The title of the song is changed from Ku Gapai Harap (Seeking Hope) to Kembaliku PadaMu Ilahi (My Return is to You, Lord) and I would like to name the fund for this project Ku Gapai Harap (Seeking Hope)... Should you are interested in working with us (Nazrah and I) in the Name of Allah, please help us to materialise this dream...

The recent updates from her is that she is in discussion with 2 of her former students who now own film and animation companies, for the possibility of making an animated music video for the song.Maybe it should also have an English version for the song. The plan is market it internationally, online, whatever. And part of the proceeds can be channeled to a cancer cause or assisting people with cancer who needs help.

In the meantime, I will use my banking account number and my gmail acoount address for you to contact me for inquiry, further clarification and notification of your transaction.

Maybank Account No: 1143 2001 7472
Name: Dalilah Binti Tamrin
Email: datinsb@gmail.com

Deadline: 27 May 2010

I am thanking you in advance for your kind deed and generosity. It is only Allah that can repay all your kindness. Let's all pray that Allah grants this dream to be a reality and ease us all in every way... ameen.

God bless!