Mambo No. 6

Basil

My Garden

Misai Kucing (Orthosipon Stamenius)

Pecah Beling (Strobilanthes Crispus)

Today is my 3rd day having Xeloda for the 6th cycle. The time I met the Onco last week was uplifting as I saw the cancer marker and the blood test results. Yes, it is good news for us all. the cancer marker result shows a further dropping numbers. From 59 plus, it has gone down to 48 and to note that it is not far from the safest line of 31, I am still utterly happy about it.

The uplifting news spread more positive energy into me. The mood becomes more jovial and the heart keeps telling the mind to thank Allah for the good news. Again and again God is showing me that His love is abundant. I am grateful for the good progress. Regardless of what causes the good sign, I am thanking Allah and want to remain positive about it.

This morning I had my 31st session of Qi Gong Healing massage. So far, it does help me with easing the bodily pain. I don't know whether it has had the direct effect to my recent good news, yet I am thankful that some pains are not disturbingly annoying me and the blood circulation is improved with no numbness in each fingertips.

Some people do email me to ask what are the things I take. Frankly, if I were to list them down it will be quite a long list. However, since I keep on getting people asking me about it, maybe it is good to share with them all. One thing to note is that with cancer there is no one advice to fit all so maybe the things that I take may not work for some. I put it this way, we know our body well, we know how it reacts to certain food we consume, so if we see some good effect from consuming certain foods then go ahead, continue doing so. If it is otherwise don't continue and try something else. My principle is not to be easily lured by anything that is MLM based, especially if it is very new in the market and to keep everything within my affordability.

My everyday 'meals' that I take with Xeloda must include these:
1. Habbatus Sawda pills
2. Hempedu Bumi (Bile of the Earth) with tumeric pills
3. Milk Thistle with Dandelion
4. Alpha Linolic Acid
5. CoEnzyme Q10
6. Sugarless Rozelle Hibiscus Juice mixed with aloe vera
7. Multivitamin
8. Neurobion pills for my nerve
9. Pecah Beling leaves - to chew
10. Misai kucing leaves (because it is deuretic, I take it every other day)
11. Sambung Nyawa leaves - to chew
12. Juices of beet root, dragon fruits, green apples, celery stalks, oranges, carrots
13. More fruits and vegetables
14. Olive oils and more garlic in the dishes
15. Soy and cereals

I think that's a long list to look into huh? Well the most important thing is to believe in God and put in faith in the efforts we do. Have positivity in our mind and it will seep in every arteries and veins in the body. When the mind thinks positively, the body will react positively too.

The test befallen unto us is a stop-over for us. To stop awhile and to relook into our lives. To search a deeper meaning and purpose of life. To have more enriching values in our lives and to understand that the test is one of the ways for God to let us know that we are under His 'Watch'. That 'watch' is a sign of His love that He cares about us and want us to search for Him and hold on to our belief. Believe in the power of the prayers and how phenomenal it can be in shifting one's health condition.

Today, as I brace the 3rd day of my Mambo no 6 (the 6th cycle) and the 3 recurrence, God allows me to witness many of His abundant love and mercy. This heart of mine has been left ajar to let the love sent by all of you in so that its magic works its wonders in me.

This test let me see the inner me. It guides me to find my inner strength and in those 'while' that I am badly beaten and feeling under the weather, your love pushes me and pulls me up again, to enable me to gather the remaining courage to stand up and walk, no matter how difficult each stride is. You have made me walked this far. With your prayers, God bless me with the needed strength.

I can't thank you enough Dear God and dear friends. Words still can't describe my gratitude for having an abode - this blog - that becomes an avenue for us to embrace this love for mankind and to share this ups and downs (with mostly downs) with all of you and to always have shoulders I can borrow and lend to cry on...

'Thank you' is two little ordinary words we hear every day. A gesture of politeness for gratitude, they say. But to me these two words carry more weight than just that. They carry the love that we exchange that transcends beyond religion, belief, race, colours and nationality.

Alhamdulillah, I find all of you when I wanted some comforts. You are the comforting lot, you are the blessing I get. Alhamdulillah, you all never leave me alone. I have not just one person to hold hands and walk with me. Alhamdulillah, God never indicates I have to battle this fight alone.

Dear friends, dear brothers and sisters, may God continue to bless you....

Alhamdulillah, Ya Tuhan Yang Maha Mengasihi... Sujud Syukurku memadaikah Ya Tuhan untuk aku lontarkan kesyukuran ini? Kupohon keampunanMu Ya Robb. Ku pohon bantuan berterusan dariMu ya Tuhan. Kau yang memiliki keajaiban. Kau sembuhkanlah aku Ya Rahman. Kau sembuhkanlah aku Ya Khaliq, Kau sembuhkan aku Ya Latiff! Amiin.

Points To Ponder

Recently I was asked this brilliant question: What do you expect us to do when you were first diagnosed with cancer?

At first I didn't quite get the intention of the question, was it for me or about me or was it for someone else and about someone else. After some probing, I understood that the person asking the question was facing a dilemma because it was her grandma who was hit with cancer and that the grandma is very much an introvert person.

Well, that's quite the other extreme of me. Okay, maybe to be fair, I gave her my situation when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not an easy moment. Very dramatic and emotional-gripping time. Some people don't easily cry and may not cry when the doctor dropped the news which sounded like a 'bomb' to your ears. But I cried like the whole world had crumpled on me, I cried helplessly!

I am a person who seek supports from my loved ones - the close families and friends. The news spread like wildfire and I began getting text messages and calls from them. Some of them forgot to have some empathy and said certain things which in turn created some anger in me. When someone just got the traumatic news, the least of a friend/family can do is to feel like the person receiving the news. Put yourself in the person's shoes and feel her.

It is more heart wrenching when a friend (I know the intention was good) mentioned some food for thoughts about having or getting the tribulation. News like having a dreaded disease is not easy to stomach so some people will have difficulties placing their feet on the ground and understood about the tribulation. Some become angry, upset, depressed and may go into the denial phase. That is common. Very common. That is to show we are just a human being and to have the news shattering the dreams, ambitions and future is always very difficult to digest.

Many people (me, included) associated having cancer with nearing death or going to die real soon. I didn't think of it as a reminder about death when I got the news that the 2cm kidney bean sized lump on my breast was cancerous. That is the common first-time reaction and thinking. It took a real long time for me to understand the hikmahs or blessings behind the test. Thus, don't expect people would just understand it right away. I have a cancer patient friend who is a religious teacher and understand all kinds of meanings for tribulation went into the denial phase and shut her life off when she got the news about having breast cancer.

Cancer teaches me to find stronger faith in God. But the lesson becomes the stronger root over some period of time, not when I was hit with cancer. For two days I cried, day and night. For that period, wild thoughts invaded my mind and I thought of many negative things. I needed something to tell me I won't die and be frail and be unable to move around and be real sick when having the treatments.

So what can you do when someone close to you get the cancer news?

This is my answer and may not reflect the answers of other people...

1. Be just like a human being, be with me when I am sad... I needed a hug, a comforting hug so words that don't slice the feelings would gave the effects of a comforting hug. A good friend of mine cried with me on the phone as she was too stunt and was dumbfounded and was at loss for words.

2. Say that you are sad too with the news. Say something that indicates you are feeling the person getting the bad news. Some friends of mine didn't even call and only noted me after quite a while that my friend didn't know what to say to me and how to react to the news. My heart broke because I was like waited for my friend to reach me and tell me: Hey dearest, I'm here with you and for you... Reach out to the sick person. If words come out wrongly, then hugs and some body language can replace it. The bottom line, reach out and be with the sick person. You are needed for all you know.

3. Another friend visited me right away and just looked at me in the eyes as she held my hand. That speechless moment was very powerful to my heart. We spoke even though no words were exchanged. The stroking and holding the hands firmly showed that my friend wanted to be with me and wanted to tell me that she was grieving too. I knew at that time I was not alone.

4. When I was having the bad chemo side effects, some friends texted to ask if they could call. That is very good as I consider them very polite in asking me. They wait for my signal. I am a person who prefer to have my families and friends around me when I am sick because they take away my sadness. But some people don't want to see others when they are sick. Some go into their caves and coccoons or any hiding place. Visiting the sick is good from the religious and worldly point-of-view, but people's emotions and feelings are fragile and vulnerable. Respect that they want some privacy to have those moments for themselves. They will recollect their broken pieces and reconnect again. It is a matter of time. So wait for the signal and respect the person's privacy.

5. When visiting a sick friend, don't be too long unless your presence is very much needed. Again, wait for the signal. If the sick person shows some signs of tiredness, then leave the room. When the sick person holds your hand and gives a sign for you not to leave yet, then stay a little while. There are some basic rules (from the Islamic point-of-view) that you may want to read and understand. I am giving the most basic one.

6. When visiting a sick friend who is under chemo treatment, before hugging or if you want to hold the sick person's hand, ask if that action would cause some pain to the sick person.

7. Talk with the sick person about things that can cheer the person up but don't ask this question: How come you can get this cancer? Nobody wants to have cancer so this question requires a whack on the head of the person asking... Duuhhh! Cancer risk factors sometimes cannot be the cause of cancer. Someone who smoke cigarettes avidly may not even get lung cancer. This sickness is part of the test for us, prewritten for the person to battle it. If you want to ask something like that may be you can ask something like if anyone in the family has had cancer or if the work is too stressful. Scientifically and medically proven, cancer exists in a low immune level person. So maybe the person already has low immune level and with not a good watch on the diets and other environmental factors, the cancer cells in the body get more excitement to live, grow and multiply.

8. Every pain cleanses the soul. To say it, use the diplomacy. Don't say that the test will make Allah forgive your sins even though it is exactly like that. Remember, the sick person is having a very sensitive feeling at this moment. Say something like God loves you more thus God wants to remind you about life and death and that with every pain God forgives your sins...Say something that sounds like a comfort rather than a curse.

There are many issues we can raise here. But I think it is enough to have 8 points as a start. Empathy, diplomacy, reach out and respect are the key words.

How am I feeling today?

I am feeling good. I'll be seeing my Oncologist on Thursday for the chemo number 6 (now, it sounds like Mambo number 5...hehehe). I am feeling alright even though some pains are twitching, pressing and throbbing here and there.

I am still up and about and to experience this I am so grateful! Thank you God, and thank you dear friends... your prayers are powerfully pulling me up! God listens to us, indeed!

Take care everyone!

Finding Gratitude

The problem has vanished, vaporising into the the thin air as I heaved with chokes and tears, seeking Allah's guidance about this pursuit.

I am not writing for fame. I am not writing for popularity. I am writing because I want to connect with others - those who are in the same ordeal like me or those who are the caregivers of patients and survivors like me. I am writing to share my concerns with a hope that my concerns highlight the concerns of others, my pains describe the pains of others, my voice resonates the voice of others - if it is not 100 percent, maybe a quarter of it speaks their heart out too...

I am writing with one intention that we the cancer sufferers do have some concerns whether big or small that sometimes we don't know how to say it to our loved ones. The concerns that become the fear, the fear that frightens us, the fright that invade our minds, the minds that always vulnerable to the state of the heart, the heart that seeks guidance and love, the love from God and the people around us which is able to pull us up in any of our down times.

I thank every comment. The heavy burden in my heart has been lifted up. Alhamdulillah, in the despair I found some rays of guiding light to pursue this mission. This is a mission of many good pursuance. It is about having faith in everything we do. Call it conviction if you want it to. From the belief, the heart and mind, the food we take, the people around us and everything that makes our world colourful and beautiful. Finding gratitude in the midst of the suffering the pain. Finding bless in every difficulties we face.

My heart spoke of this poem when I was in pain last week. The pain was not because of the cancer cells are sneaking to the chest. And how sure am I about that? I think about it in a positive way and would like to think it is not the cancer cells. It is my chest that heaved the burdens and problems my shoulder can't hold anymore. But in paving the ways to solve it, there's the inner voice that forced me to seek Allah and have a stronger faith in Him that everything will be alright, that He will look after me, my family and takes care of every concerns...

Touch the heart of mine,
You'll feel it trembles in fear...

Listen to my voice,
You'll hear it shudders...

Look into my eyes,
You'll see the sparks of frights...

The heart wrenches,
The feeling twitches,
The mind wanders,
The heart suffers...

Raise the hope,
Everything the pain tortures...
Raise the faith,
Everytime the turmoil spoils...
Raise the belief,
Everytime the loneliness drifts...
Raise the conviction,
Everytime the fear heightens...

I keep on telling
When the breath heaves the sorrow

Dear God,
This is heavy for me...
Ease me, ease me please...

Dear Lord,
This is congesting...
Relieve me, relieve me please...

- Raden Galoh
19 November 2009

My Problem

I am having a problem. A problem about blogging. Something that I feel all of you have known, noted and maybe understood.

No, I am not facing the writer's block. But I think it is more of emotional block. What I wrote, when I re-read them, my emotion felt I better not upload it.

The cycle in my life is the same. After 3 attacks, you will sometimes read the turmoil in my heart boils the fear to a higher degree and some of you may think this journey is not new anymore and I should very well know how to handle it.

Sometimes there's unexplainable joy that I thought sharing the bliss will spread the energy out... but then again it's a joy so it's nothing special about it... The ups and the downs are expected and many moments before writing I think of the situation as hey: this is not something new to you or to them anymore....

I don't know whether blogging about my update is relevant or not. You may read an entry that sound more or less like the previous ones.

Many times I scribbled something in the draft and it ended not being published... *Sigh*

'Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.... amiin Ya Robbal 'alamiin'

The Troubled Mind

These few days my mind is pre-occupied with so many issues to ponder upon. My usual walking back from office was normally done not in a haste or rush manner. Instead I would just walk slowly as I watched the drivers thronged the road in Jalan Ampang. Whether it is raining or not, the road is one helluva of the busiest route in Kuala Lumpur.

And a fews days ago, I almost got knocked down by a car. We both stopped at the nick of time. I trembled and like a big whack on my head, I heard myself saying louder to myself: What was I thinking??? There point, I sought forgiveness by uttering istighfars many times. It was indeed a close call. I didn't even look at the driver. I just raised my hands as a sign of apology for not focusing while walking....

Alhamdulillah, nothing bad happened. The mood is bruised but that's okay. On my way back home, I didn't know what I saw. The scenery I saw left an empty picture in my mind for I was still traumatised with what had just happened.

The lesson was learned. The hard way. You see, I thought I can think of many issues and let my small brain carries them in my mind. So much so that they bothered my focus and made me forget the usual thing I do, that is reciting zikirs while walking. So human I am, easily troubled by issues and the mind got boggled with matters I know I cannot handle. I forgot that there is God to take care of all issues that we have no idea how to solve them. And the key is to remember to take the issue one matter at a time. The more I ponder about the many issues, the more headache I got. Anyway, there is a reason why God gives us a small brain in a small skull. That makes more logic so that we don't get big headed huh?

What's bothering me?

The discussion with the oncologist about the cost of my chemo after the subsidized completes that is in another 3 more cycles. Yes, you hear me right. I get the subsidized treatment and it has helped lessening the burden of having escalating medical expenses. I have been pondering whether I want to continue taking Xeloda. If I do, I may need to consider putting aside RM1500.00 a month for a bottle consisting of 120 Xeloda pills that I can get it from a pharmacy after being prescribed by the Oncologist. That's like burning a large hole in my purse.

My mind was also troubled with my friend's condition. She is dying due to the spreading of the cancer cells to many parts of her body. She's weak, having no mood to eat, no energy to get up, prefers to sleep as a matter of trying to brush aside the pain in her heart, chest bone and spine. She breathes in a difficult manner. She has 2 sons aged 10 and 9. My heart goes out to her every time I called her son or visited her. And her husband is the sole breadwinner and he is abroad unable to get a flight back home.

I get pretty upset thinking about my boys and their studies. The 'boys will be boys' tagline cannot be applied now as now is the exam time. How they can still have the jolly molly time when their studies are jumbo mumbo is beyond my understanding. Their confidence whenever I asked them to do the test booklets that I bought for them is another aspect that I have difficulty comprehending. They don't like to do revision and how can they say the test is as easy as eating peanuts? Cracking the peanuts also needs efforts! OMG!

These are some big issues domineering my mind. And there are some other small yet major things that I wish not to list them here. They are personal and domestic issues. No, they are not about me and MH. We both are okay. But we both are troubled with the same issues.

Last few nights were my reconciliation time with God. Nothing I beseech except a clear mind and a calmer heart. I need His guiding light to lead me out of this dark tunnel. Istikharah prayer is one way I must continue so that I know which direction I need to take about my treatment. I want to continue the Qi Gong as it has helped lessening the joint pains and improving the blood circulation. Having this session alone is quite expensive too. We'll wait, where my heart is bound, if it is heavier to forgetting Xeloda, then I may not continue taking it. I just need Allah to give me the signs which one would be the best.

As I do the reconciliation with God, I find other issues less demeaning. I found peace and realized that we must not think too much. Why worry of the uncertain matters? Pray hard for the best while preparing for the worse. That includes some plans of taking out my EPF savings. InsyaAllah, with God assistance, I will find my way out.

Allah also knows the best for my friend. I will continue parying for her so that she is given the remaining strength and the courage to fight even though she looks like she is nearing death... sometimes, Allah's midas touch happens just to open our insight, that someone so frail be given another chance to continue living. And someone so healthy leaves the world surprisingly...

We have this small brain, why must cramp it with so many issues?

Astaghfirullah... I seek your forgiveness dear Lord for forgetting you that You are so Omnipresent and so near to me and You have never leave alone in this darkness. Forgive me Ya Robb for failing to see that! I am seeking Your forgiveness Ya Robb!

CT Scan Result

No words can describe the overwhelming gratitude as I heard the Oncologist said that the cancers in the liver have shrunk greatly. This time as she showed me the result by comparing the films of the recent and the previous one, she said: Alhamdulillah, I am so happy Dalilah!

I wiped my face as my lips trembled uttering the gratitude to God. MH who was with me at that time was happy too. All this is the proof and sign that Allah listens to our prayers, yours and mine. This is a sign that He loves us no matter how our situation and condition is.

God mentioned in the Qur'an that If we remember Him, He'll remember us. I always mention this in my talk that if we walk to God, God will run to us... that is an analogy I always use to indicate the speed of Allah's love to us.

The doctor mentioned that I can now continue with the 5th cycle of the chemo. The full blood count was also very good. I'll start having the Xeloda tomorrow morning, 4 pills in the morning and 3 pills at dinner time.

The cancer marker test also have gone down. Even though it is still far from the safest line (normal is 31) as it is now 59.6 and the last one was 60.7, I took the news as one milestone too. One indicator that it is going down.

My oncologist was happy to see I don't get affected so much with chemo drugs. The darkened skin is not a big issue, her concern is the chapped and cracked skin and palms as many have experience that as the bad side effect. That is an indication, if we seek help from Allah to ease us, He'll ease us.

I am thankful for all these. To be able to have the insight and see the blessings that Allah gives in my trying times. True as Allah mentioned in Surah Ar-Rad verse 28: Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the rememberance of Allah; for without in the rememberance of Allah, do hearts find satisfaction (Tafseer Abdullah Yusuf Ali).

I told my Mom and Dad the good news. They are all happy. I told my boys, and my little one shout jubilantly and hugged me: Yeayyy... this is good news. Alhamdulillah. I'll continue praying Mom so it will be completely gone. Then he shouted at his brother: Abang, kanser Mommy dah kecut... kita doa banyak ye bang, Allah dengar doa kita... (Brother, Mom's cancer cells have shrunk, we must continue praying a lot, Allah listens to our prayers).

This is a happy news. So whatever I have practise I must continue doing. Total submission to God, find peace and deeper faith, more greens, more positivity, more happiness.

"Ya Allah, aku bersyukur dengan nikmat dan hikmah yang Kau beri dari dugaan besar ini. Aku mohon dengan rahmatMu, Kau berilah pertolongan bagi setiap kesukaran dan permasalahanku. Jadikan aku hambaMu yang sentiasa mendambakanMu. Jauhkan aku dari riyak takbur dan tinggi diri bagi setiap bahagia yang Kau beri. Aku mohon keampunanMu, aku mohonkan kesembuhan dariMu... Kau rahmati dan berkati semua yang telah mendoakanku, membantuku hanya Kau yang mengetahui setiap keikhlasan yang tersisip...Kau kabulkan doaku ini ya Tuhan yang Maha Mengasihi... Amiin Ya Robbal Alamin."

I am blessed to have had all of you, your willingness to walk with me, help me get up in my down time, pray for me and take all efforts to ease my burden. Dearest brothers and sisters, words can't still describe my thankfulness... the least I can do is to have you all in my prayers for the continued blessings and love to be bestowed upon each on of you....

Thank you for being the needed shoulders...

An Awesome Show: Cuci The Musical

Cuci The Musical - the awesome and superb funny musical show. The actors and actresses had performed a great dedication to making it a success. I am not a professional critique but if my boys can still remember the slapstick dialogues and I still can laugh thinking about it, that to me is a yardstick to a great presentation. Kudos and bravo to all of them!

We arrived an hour early and we took the opportunity to snap some photos around Istana Budaya - the world class stage of performing arts. Idris had less expectation about the show but Adam had shown a deeper interest into it especially because he understood what a musical performance is all about (like the High School Musical Movie of sort).

As we entered the hall and took our seats, we noticed a couple of the famous faces of the industry - Shuhaimi Baba and Kavita Kaur. As the curtain drew, Idris leaned forward to indicate his interest of the show had started. Then the dialogues started and we laughed and laughed and laughed until tears streamed down my cheeks.

The spontaneous conversations between these four funny men: Afdlin, Awie, AC and Hans showed that they need not a script for the show. The body languages and the verbal lashings between them were darn funny. I kept on laughing almost on the entire show.

When they sang... I was deeply mesmerized! Awie's and Adibah's voices were stunningly extraordinary. They are truly gifted! As they took their voice to the high pitch, I kept on wiping the tears from streaming. MasyaAllah, subhanaAllah were uttered as I heard their mesmerising voices. And Hans... oh this lad can sing too! Rahman-Hughes must be proud of him and I am proud of him. I told him the day I bought the ticket that I am pretty sure Hans has good voice as a singer and he kept on telling me about his nervousness singing on stage as that is not his cup tea... Yesterday, I did not see that he was nervous at all. The voice was deep and capturing. Ramli Hassan who acted as the Tan Sri had a classic deep and manly voice some similarity to Suhaimi Meor Hasan's. When he sang I touched my chest like clutching my heart... oh lovely, lovely voices!

The messages of the show were obvious and profound. My boys understood it, they know it's about family bonding, integrity, caring and spirit of hardwork must be instilled... they understood the love message better though! Idris at one point asked me: Mommy, that Mat Saleh guy (Harith Iskander) at the end of the show gave money to the security guards... that is rasuah (bribery). isn't it? I nodded and told him: Clever, Adik!

Adam liked Vanida's role as CJ. He's kindda have some crush on her and insisted that we took his photo with her. Idris loved Awie's role as a brother who relied on his big brothers a lot. I think he felt it like his character... He said: I want to take photo with Jojo (Awie)... I liked him. He's cute! And oh yes! Awie is a real cute guy... I never have an up close and personal moments with him so when we had the chance to meet face-to-face during the autograph time, I notice that he is a charming guy. No wonder so many had been broken-hearted! Hahaha

MH was laughing and clapping his hands on the entire show. We oohhed and aahhhed many times admiring their funny acts. We gave a lot of standing ovations to these talented actors and actresses. When the photo shooting took place, MH volunteered to be the man behind the camera... that's why you many of my faces but not his...

Beacuse of the budget limit, I booked for the cheapest tickets and in the beginning my boys complained that we were too close to the stage (3 rows from the front) but then at the end they told me they had a closer view and appreciated it as they not only could see the actors funny acts but also funny faces too...

It was a good Sunday. Adam said: anyone needs to release the stress and have a good laugh, watch this how, must watch this show! Well... you have said it well, dear! MH said in the car on the way back: it was a real good show. We must thank Allah for giving us the chance to have this feel-good moment. The boys said: Alhamdulillah in unison!

The following photos speak about our enjoyment!

It was an endorphine-rush day. A good laugh day to make us all feel good, to make me feel good and forget the worry of the CT scan result...

The tears took the acid out of my body, the laughter boosts my cheerfulness. Thank you Hans, Afdlin, Awie, AC, Adibah, Vanida for making the makcik and pakcik (aunty and uncle) and their broods had a good time together.

Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to have such a good laughter and to feel so much blessed!

Life beyond cancer is still awesome. SubhanaAllah!

This Face, This Body of Mine...

In many occasions, when I meet those who read my blog and know about my journey battling this cancer metastasis, they are surprised to see me. 'I look well, really well' would be their common phrase that they express after we exchange greetings.



I can't help but to thank God for the well-look that He bestows upon me. Not only that I am also feeling okay when the pain doesn't come and trouble me. But then again, with this look, some people find it hard to believe that I am in pain. Don't get me wrong, I am not troubled with them having trouble believing me. I am also not seeking attention and sympathy when I write about the pain and how stressful I become everytime the pain trouble me to act normally.



This well-look is a blessing from God. Despite the triple attacks, I am far from showing the frail-look and the expected cancer-stricken face. I may disappoint some people as their tone of voice carries a tinge of that frustration. I may make it worse when I carry the jovial mood in me and still able to laugh my heart out when I share some jokes with them about my battle. You see, I am now able to see some funny parts in my journey and I love to share them with my audience too when I conduct my talk. These funny parts that become a joke now is not to ridicule my battle but someone wise had said to me: If I can laugh about my down time, I can pull myself up to have a good life.



I am also having this disbelief issue with my loved ones. My relatives especially. The 3rd recurrent news broke their hearts and that made them visited me in tow. And when they saw me they were surprised to see how well I had carried myself about the spreading. It's not easy, it is never an easy battle but I have felt it too deeply that all this strength is God-given bless to me. When some failed to see me at home because I have worked back, they vented their frustration to my sisters: Well, she said she is undergoing chemo again, but how come she has started working back? May be they were thinking my condition deteriorates - 3 attacks must have worsened my condition - and expected that I was bed-ridden of sort.



My boys are also having some difficulties too. Last night, Idris saw me taking my Xeloda pills and he asked me: Mommy, what are those big pills? What are those for? I told him that those pills are my cancer pills and I have to consume them in order to kill the cancer cells in my body. Then he looked at me and blurted: But you look okay Mom... You can scold me already, so I know you are okay... (My boys always think correctly: when I am able to talk a lot - scolding always involves nagging - that means I am okay, when I am sick or in pain, I am quiet and always lost the mood to talk, what more to nag) I can't help it but laugh at his bold statement!



Yes, I am okay and despite the CT Scan result which is not yet out, I like to think that I am okay. No, I am not in the denial phase. I have come to terms with this enemy that lives in me. I hate the cancer, but because it carries a lot of blessings that change many things in my life, I am always thankful and grateful that God give me the insight to see it from that angle. Like the love stories, it is a hate-love scenes that make the relatiionship enriched.



At one point, when I tell people how cancer and its treatments have scrapped my savings, they too kindda difficult to believe it. Some friends joked to me that I must be having so much money, even with this disease, I still have so many bling-bling (gold jewellery) adorning my body. Hahahaha.... those are fake my dear! I just love to adorn myself and I feel good looking good. That good feeling is needed as it is the ignition to positive thinking. Also, I do have this rich-people face, I think. That's why people thought I am rich. Well that's true. I am rich with love. Not with money though. Hahahaha....



Well, I am writing not to defend myself. I am writing to share. That this kind of expressions - verbal and non-verbal - do become parts of the issues for cancer patients and survivors. I am okay with people's judgment, ain't they entitled to their opinion?


It's all the proof of what God keeps on reminding me: Which of the many bounty must I deny? My facial expressions, my body size, my well-being are the significant indicators that God still showers me with His many bounties. SubhanaAllaaah!

Thank you Allah!