onebreastbouncing

The Test

2008-07-23T14:59:00.000+08:00

Since Monday I was warded. The news had struck a bigger impact in me. The cancer is found to have spread to 4 areas: the flesh in between the ribs, the liver, the right jaw node and the left shoulder node. The doctor recommended that I undergo chemo again, this time a heavier dose is suggested.

But on Tuesday they found out my veins have badly collapsed, maybe too stressed with the chemo attack done 2005. I need a chemoport inserted under my right chest skin to ease this chemo.

I waited for the surgeon last nite. He came this morning but a date can't be fixed. He needs to see the chemoport and check the available date. Again, I need to wait.

I'm thankful and feel so grateful to friends who continue to push me to be positive and to never give up. Insya'Allah, giving up will not I do.

This is a test of my faith and resilience. This test is given because God knows I can shoulder it. I believe I gather my strength to continue this battle from the prayers sent by all of you near and far. Only God will repay your kind deeds. Truly, the prayers are needed and appreciated. thanks to support via well wishes sent in comments of the previous entry.

Breaking News

2008-07-17T10:18:00.000+08:00

Innalillahi wainna ilaihi roji'un. La hawla wala quata illa billahil aliyul 'azim.

I received the call I do not wish to receive or I would rather not receive. This morning. It happened. The chestpain was intense since last night and it becomes excruciating pain that squeezes the chest when I received the call. My heart beats so fast that I was gasping for air. Tears welled up before I could even open my mouth to utter the words as my reply to the caller. Sadness mounted. I choked. My voice trembled as I replied the call.

It was the call from the Onco Clinic of HKL. The call I do not wish to get anytime soonest. The call I only wish to get 3 months from the last PET Scan check day.

My Onco doctor wants to see me next Monday. I have planned something else for Monday. Monday will be my birthday and am thinking of celebrating with a colleague who will also celebrating her birthday on that day. We thought of going for a special lunch that day.

Now I have to cancel that plan. I need to face the doc and brace for whatever news my Doctor needs to tell me. Yet, I smell something amiss here. I know I should not be playing with my emotions and keep staying positive now. But the sense is just too strong for me to brush aside. It's so overwhelming me. MH cancels his meeting and will accompany me. Tawakkal is the word he keeps telling me. I told him Insya'Allah, will do that. But the tears is about to break the dam. I just need an avenue to let it out. I think it's better to cry now then to cry on Monday. Maybe if I cry now, by Monday I won't have anymore tears to cry.

I sms-ed Doc Tokasid right away for he always have ideas how to make me think positively. And to Naga too. I istighfar and did the zikr munajat while in the train trying to control the tears from streaming down. I choked and 'ate' back the tears and it's so heavy doing so. It felt like a heavy lump stucked on my throat. I trembled every time doing so.

I felt like I wanted to vomit after that. I felt my stomach aches badly. I stopped at the Ampang Station and went to the toilet. I locked myself in the tiolet and cried my heart out. I just needed to let go this choking lump on my throat.

I really do not have the energy to work today. My mind is too disturbed. My heart trembles with fear. I wept in agony.

"Ya Allah, give me the strength to brace what you have charted in my life. Give me the courage to accept it as part of the best thing for my life. Give me the peace of mind and heart to accept the coming news with strong faith and full acceptance. I redha Ya Allah. Please hold my hand and take me to right path Ya Allah. Amiin"

It's Good to Look Back!

2008-07-16T11:18:00.002+08:00

KL is showered with blessed rain this morning. I do feel good though this coldness send an intermittent stings of pain to the chest bones. Alhamdulillah... it brings back memories of how fun and enjoyable to run around and play in the rain. So this morning, I didn't really care that the wind had blown some drizzles and wetted my baju kurung. It's okay, I let it be drenched. Our life is short, I just want to enjoy every moment of it.

I took a moment when I reached my office to look outside the window. It's just a wonderful view to see the rain streamed down the window panes. It brings peace and serenity to my heart. God is Great for it is only He who can blend the cloudy sky with calm feeling. The gloomy day doesn't bring sadness. It takes me to a moment for a self-reflection. Pondering my past...

Someone asked me recently why do I like to remember my past? Life has to go on and one must look forward and not backward, the person added. Maybe he is right. I do always look back to my past. But I don't cling onto it. I don't make my past life my future. I only see my past for some self reflections and do corrections and make my life better. I know many others are doing the same thing too.

I always have the joy of flipping through the pages of my past and share a good laugh with friends involved in my past or maybe cry a tear or two about it. My past shapes me into who I am today. My past tones me up. From a hard person to an easy going lady. From someone who hardly can forgive and forget into someone who can forgive easily though still have difficulty forgetting. I'm working on it...working on it...

An ex-colleague who saw me being featured in the Blog show the other day gave me a surprise call. She said, she saw the changes in me as a softer person now. She told me that all this while she has visualised me as someone who is bossy and hard-to-please. I was a 'determined' person the last time she knew me. We laughed together when she mentioned about how demanding I was to MH who at that time was just my fiance... something like every 'important' dates must be remembered and on every 'important' dates he must give a present. See, how cruel I was? I know some men have difficulty remembering important dates and that some men includes MH... Hahahaha...

And the joke was, MH forgot my birthday (we were only engaged for a few months at that time) and only sent the birthday card a day later after a birthday bash was organised by the officemates. Hahahaha... Okay, where was that leading, you may be thinking... Yes, it led into a big quarrel that led us into not in talking term for a couple of days. I did guard of not talking to each other for 3 days though, fearing that I committed a deeper sin and be thrown out of my religion without me knowing it... So on the third day, I would crawl back into the relationship and made peace with him....hehehehe

Oh back to my friend, she said from my tone of voice, she saw a different person. Even when she called me up that day, she said I sounded like a different person. I told her, of course, I'm now a different person. It is a hard lesson I get from BC, I told her. But it is not a regretting thing for having this change. I just need to tone down and Allah tone me down with a hard lesson. He knows soft lessons won't teach me anything, considering who I was before. I just feel grateful to be given a chance to be more 'loving' to MH rather than more demanding like before. The last time I called him 'darling' was because I wanted to sound more English (Boleh ka macam ni? Hahahaha)...but now it is always with deeper 'sayang' attached on it... A feeling that will melt my passion definitely! And make me misses him though we are only 8 hours not seeing each other...hehehehe

So remembering the past is good to me. When the reminiscing ropes in some regrets because of the mistakes I did in my life, I don't douche and refuse to move forward. I just stop and take my moments to ask for forgiveness from God. I don't freeze my future becasue of my past. I'm grateful that God gives me a heart and mind that keep pondering on how to make my life better. How to seize my day to the fullest.

I see nothing wrong with looking back. Every single thing that had happened in our lives comes with a reason. When the heart grieves of the mistakes done in the past, it is a sign of soul cleansing, I believe. I remember the text message sent by my dearest brother Doc Tokasid: Saying of the Prophet (s.a.w)-What is Faith (Imaan)? When your good deed pleases you and your evil deed grieves you, you are a believer. What is Sin? When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.

When the grief takes you to repent and the submission to God is wholly and deeply, it is a step into soul cleansing. Allah is the Most Merciful. The guiding light is a calm and peaceful heart and mind. I hope, let us all hope that we continue to see the guiding light.

I don't bury my past. I just can't. I use my past as a rememberance not to make the same wrong doing again. I am still far from what I wish I'm but I keep on pushing myself to move to that silverlining. I hope I reach there, eventually.

Terkenang...

2008-07-14T11:25:00.001+08:00

Hari ini genap setahun arwah Mak Mahyar meninggalkan kami semua. Alfatihah buat arwah. Bukan tidak mengingatinya semenjak pergi setahun lalu. Hanya Allah yang tahu bagaimana kerinduan yang wujud begitu menggigit tangkai hati. Ada kalanya apa yang pernah dilakukan bersama seperti bersarapan pagi di beranda rumah atau saja-saja sembang-sembang di ruang tamu mengimbau kembali. Membawa rasa rindu yang peritnya hanya Allah yang tahu. Antara kami boleh bersembang panjang dari hal remeh harian kepada hal peribadi. Dari gurau senda dan gelak tawa kepada duka sendu dan sebak dada. Ada ketika terbit juga airmata bila meluah isi hati masing-masing.

Buatnya sekalung doa Al-Fatihah setiap selesai solat juga bacaan Yassiin setiap malam Jumaat atau pagi Jumaat. Yang tinggal antara kami hanya kenangan. Yang ditinggalkan juga sehelai kain batiknya buat ingatan. Sehingga kini begitu sayang untuk diguna sebagai kain basahan harian. Takut lusuh. Takut lusuh juga ingatan. Allah... rindu sungguh aku padanya...

Pertalian Ibu Mertua dan menantu yang wujud kekal hanya 13 tahun. Namun aku begitu bersyukur Allah memberiku seorang ibu mertua yang begitu menyayangi aku. Begitu cukup merasai rahmatNya kerana diberi peluang menumpang kasih seorang ibu mertua. Dan belajar merasai manisnya kasih seorang ibu mertua. Kasih sayangnya tidak terbit dari kata-kata. Dia tidak pernah meluahkannya dengan kata-kata tapi terpancar di dalam sinar matanya. Begitu juga setiap kerisauan yang berkecamuk di dalam dirinya. Mungkin tentang aku yang ketika hayatnya tengah sarat menanggung derita. Dan juga derita yang ditanggungnya. Tidak mahu kami berisau-risauan maka sakitnya hanya dipendam.

Alfatihah buat Mak Mahyar.... Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama para solihin... amiin...

'This is for you, Mummy!'

2008-07-11T11:52:00.001+08:00

This morning while preparing the breakfast, my little son IdrisZ handed me a few rolled RM. I heard he mumbled something. No he didn't mumble. He said it loud enough but I didn't wear my hearing aid device so obviously, to me he just mumbled... Poor him when I put my ear close enough to his lips and asked him: Adik cakap apa? (What did you say, Adik?)

He went to my room and got me the hearing aid device. He said: Pakai ni (Put this on.) And after seeing me putting it on, he said: Ni duit untuk Mummy. Ari tu Mummy dah guna duit banyak untuk gi hospital. Mummy dah takde duit kan... (This is for you. That day you had used up a lot of your saving for the hospital bill. Now you don't have anymore money, right?). He looked at me with his wide eyes waiting for my answer.

I asked him where did he get the money. He retorted that he had saved up the lunch money given to him. I choked and looked at him. I counted the money, not much but it's his thought that made me feel like crying. He shouldn't save up his lunch money. He told me for every Ringgit, he saved up 50 sen a day. He just said: Takpe, Simpanlah. (It's okay, you keep the money). I will. In case he needs it back. I think he will. Like he used to do. Hehehehe...

I hugged him and tried to peck on his cheek. Right away he pushed me and said: Wooooo...Mummy belum mandi mana boleh cium-cium.. (I haven't had my shower so I cannot kiss him!) After that he ran away to the living room. Maintain wangi tu, Adik! I shouted at him. Hahahaha... Obviously he tried not to get smelly as he was fully clad in his Baju Melayu... and nicely smelled too with the remaining shower gel frangrant still lingered on him... Sometimes, I do feel like he still has the 'baby-like-smell' you know... that fresh baby's smell...Hahahaha

This incident took me to remember something he asked a few days ago. He asked MH how much I had spent for the PET Scan. And MH told him the hospital bill indicated RM500. Adik Looked at the bill and said: RM500? Banyaknyeeee.... (This is a lot). And MH quipped: Ha! Tau pun banyak...Adik janganlah minta itu ini dengan Mummy lagi...Mummy dah takde duit tu. (You know it's a lot so don't ask for anything from Mummy anymore, she doesn't have anymore money already).

I just looked at his bewildered face. Then he looked at me and said: Takpe, nanti Adik simpan duit sikit-sikit bagi kat Mummy ye. Dah kumpul, adalah banyak balik duit tu. (It's okay, Mummy. I'll save up little by little. Sooner we'll get more money).

You tell me folks, how can I not cry with this little cutey way of thinking? Okay, okay, being the Drama Queen I'll definitely choke and weep.... Hehehehe but truly, his thoughts are a gem to my heart! I pray so hard, his caring attitude and generosity will go on forever. I'm grateful to have experienced this moment. Syukur, alhamdulillah. It is indeed a blessed Friday Morning.

Kids do say the darnest thing, don't they?

PET Scan Day

2008-07-09T13:22:00.001+08:00

It was a tiring day for both of us yesterday. Not because we had to do so much work but because we had to wait longer for the PET Scan.

I was told to be there at the Putrajaya Hospital before 11am so by 10 something we had reached the place. I had been on the fasting mode since 10 pm the night before. But alhamdulillah, I was allowed to drink plain water. The weather was wet everywhere, with some news I heard over the radio about flash floods occuring in a few places around the Klang Valley. The drizzle that continued from the previous night helped me not feeling thirsty.

It was our first time in that hospital. Of course we felt like lost a abit with the huge lobby area they have. But I saved the time by asking people where should I go to get my PET Scan done. The computer system was still down, I heard from a staff explaining to a guest standing in front of me that the server problem had occurred since last Friday... Now I wonder where is the top notch IT expert? I think for this kind of premise, this kind of problem should be avoided or rectified very, very fast.

I was worried that I might not be able to do the PET Scan on that day. But alhamdulillah, it was just the keying data computers that faced problems. So people checking in/out or being discharged may be affected but not me. I was asked to proceed to a different building where the Nuclear Centre is located.

I registered myself again when I reached the centre and I managed to peek at the list. There were 9 patients and I was being the last. I saw a few of them already sitting at the sofa, waiting for their turn. I asked how many already in. I was informed, just 3 patients. So I kindda knew it's gonna be along day for me and MH too. MH went for an early lunch fearing that he would miss me going into the scanning room. I stole my moments with listening to a few patients' experiences with chemo and the different cancer cases they have. A few of them had lymphoma, one experienced bone cancer and another one is having breast cancer like me. In between that, I continued with my zikirs and istigfar...

The nurse began with taking my blood sample - to check on the platelet, I think. She continued with measuring my height and weight... Oh, I did reduce 2 kg after 2 days of low carb, no oil, no fat, a lot of veggies.... but don't ask if you notice not an inch being lost...hahaha it's the water people! The water in my body....

Then the thing I feared most happened. They need to intravenous me with the radioactive fluid so obviously they needed to find my vein. And you know what? The nurse could not search the vein, (I think the vein also got fed up with being injected quite many times this year...hehehehe,it's always the same spot, you see). As she poked me with the needle, I saw my skin ballooning and yeah...it's painful of course. She right away stopped and pressed the swollen hand. Then she chose the other hand, the hand that I must look after carefully - afraid of it facing lymphedema or the sudden swelling arm syndrome. It was easy finding the vein there, of course, it has never been stressed to experience the chemo drugs being injected into it to make it weak and collapsing.

Then I needed to wait in a special room. An attendant injected the radioactive drug and I was asked to lie down for an hour. I killed the time by reciting a few Qur'anic verses that I know. The room was cold and the thermal blanket didn't help much because it has so many holes on it. I shuddered and I must kept my body from moving too much. So I played with mental concentration and did the mental memorisation of a few mathematical multiplication like sifir 12 or 13 (Hahahaha) when I felt like I'm lost for focus even with the zikirs or the istighfars. One hour was like a real long time. I thought I lost in my short naps a few times too.

After an hour, I was asked to go to the restroom and later I was sent to another room. I saw the tunnel-like machine and lied down on the small platform. The nurse covered my body with the blanket and asked me to put my hand upwards. They strapped my hands to my head so that the hands won't moved. The scanning should take half hour to 45 minutes. I had the worse of focus test that day. My hands became very-very numb and my body almost couldn't stand the 'stand-still' mode. I did the zikirs, istighfars, counting the sheep backwards...hahaha and many others just to make my mind focus on something else but not wanting to give up because of the tiredness.

Alhamdulillah, it was finally over. After waiting for about another 15 minutes I was allowed to change the hospital gown and advised to go home. On my way out I was informed that the result and the report will be sent straight to Onco Clinic of HKL. I trembled badly because I was feeling very, very hungry. MH escorted me to the nearest cafeteria and I grabbed some veggies with a little rice. It was already 5pm. I just needed something light before having dinner with my family.

Last night I woke up at 1am. My left arm felt so fatigue. So painful that I pasted 5 koyoks on it. I did the necessary prayer and after that I rubbed and massaged the arm. The pain streamed from the elbow to the chest. As I massaged I began to burp often. But the pain didn't subside. Then I lied down with a bolster under my arm. It didn't help. I started to feel the heat from the salonplas patches. I continued with istighfar and dozed off. This morning, I still experience the lethargic pain. The swollen right hand has subsided but the internal bruise seems apparent.

MH told me that another game we are in. The waiting game. But hey, we are ON Darling, I told him.

It's not que sera sera for me anymore...

It's the best charted for me and my life.

Counting....

2008-07-07T16:34:00.000+08:00

Kemelut Di Hati Ini

Kemelut di hati ini
Bergelut membangkit ombak gusar yang tinggi
Bagai badai dihempas dipulas
Letihnya aku bermain perasaan

Kemelut di hati ini
Masih terbit darinya sinar harapan
Do'a dan kesyukuran meniti pengabdian
Menjadi bait-bait senyuman walaupun hambar

Kemelut di hati
Membawa diri ke hujung realiti
Kekadang bulan ingin di gapai
Seperti boleh berlari di kaki langit
Menjamah pelangi yang datangnya
Bagai embun dinihari

Kemelut di hati ini
Merobek mimpi dari lena
Menjadi mimpi ngeri

Tangan ini masih berpimpin
Kaki ini masih bertulang
Hati ini juga masih berdetik
Menutur do'a dan harapan
Antara zikir dan istighfar....

Ya Allah, Kuatkan lah imaanku...
Menempuhi setiap dugaan!

RG-7 July 2008

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Thank you, for the wishes, advice and do'a. Thank you for being here next to me, pushing me to stay positive. Insya'Allah, I'm being positive.

Tomorrow, will be the PET Scan day. I have been restricting my diet based on the advice of the nurse since yesterday. The event will be a day session. And I won't even know the result right away because the Putrajaya Hospital will liaise straight with the Oncology Clinic of HKL.

My Onco doctor already mentioned that if anything goes well I'll be seeing her in the next 3 months. If something goes amiss, Onco Clinic nurse will contact me soonest. I hope I'll only see her in the next 3 months.

Thank you dear friends!

My Heart Weeps!

2008-07-04T10:55:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Loving and Merciful. Praise and Grace to Allah, for allowing us to meet here in the blog world.

Lagu: Epilog Silam

Album: Erti Pengorbanan

Munsyid : Haikal

Dalam mengenang kisah hidup silam

Ku sedar dari kesilapan lalu

Tuhan beratnya dosa-dosaku

Masihkah ada ampunan buatku

Tuhan...

Dalam menempuh hidup ini

Banyaknya dugaan datang menguji

Tuhan...

Ada yang dapatku gagahi

Dan ada yang gagal kuhindari

Tuhan...

Dosaku menggunung tinggi

Tapi taubatku tak kutepati

Tuhan...

Rahmat-Mu melangit luas

Terlalu sedikit ku bersyukur

Kini kukembali pada-Mu

Mengharap maghfirah dari-Mu

Mogakan terampunlah dosa-dosaku

Biarpun ujian melanda

Ku tetap berkasih pada-Mu

Kerna kuyakin kasih-Mu

Kekal tiada sudahnya...

The above lyrics is a hit straight home. Off late, I'm remembering the many sins I've done. They just came crashing to my mind. So many of 'em...Astaghfirullah... Mercy on me O Allah, Pardon and Forgiveness I seek from You the Most Loving and Most Merciful.

Whether the action was due to sheer ignorant or mere trailing what the heart wanted, the regret and guilt make a bigger circumference in my life now. I hope and pray, with the Mercy of the AlMighty, it is not too late for me. To get His Mercy. I have never stopped asking for His forgiveness and Maghfirah.

The enjoyment that I tasted last time now become the piercing pain cutting and slicing my feeling into tiny guilt. 'What was I thinking?' and 'Duhhh!!' become two common phrases that I now keep on saying to myself. It's a whack to my own head for refusing to follow my mind. That is when the nafs is stronger than the Imaan. So what I had was the desire to follow the heart even when the brain said think twice-think twice, I told myself hey: I'll have this fun thing first...

Every time the flashing memory is played like a long found record, it brings pain and deep regret that words cannot expressed. But I know, God comprehends. This is the needed pauses in my life. I have to continously have this deep self-reflection and change the bearing of my life while I have the time. I pray hard that my repentence is accepted and until I have my last breath, I'll keep on repenting.

Bless me with your Mercy O Allah! Forgive me for all the wrongdoings I have done in my life whether intentional or otherwise, big or small, in words or by my acts, and keep this guilt to make me remember You and do what You like and avoid doing what You dislike. Lead and guide me to your right path and never turn Your back on me O Allah.... Spare me Your mercy and forgiveness for any wrongdoings I'm unaware of... Give me the strength to face the unknown of my future. Give my family and friends the strength to brace every stormy weather of my life.

Ameeen.

The Wonders of This Medicine

2008-07-02T13:06:00.002+08:00

TEACHER : Why are you late?

AH BENG : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

AH BENG : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?

AH BENG : You told me to do it without using tables!

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, how do you spell "crocodile"?

AH BENG : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong

AH BENG : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?

AH BENG : "HIJKLMNO! "!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

AH BENG : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, go to the map and find North America.

AH BENG : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Ah Beng!!!!!!

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

AH BENG : Me!

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, why do you always get so dirty?

AH BENG : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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AH BENG : Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?

AH BENG: Your name on this report card.

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TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?

AH BENG : Because George still had the axe in his hand?

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AH BENG : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?

AH BENG : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

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TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

AH BENG : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

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TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

AH BENG : Brotherly love?

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TEACHER : Now, Ah Beng, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

AH BENG : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : Ah Beng, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

AH BENG : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

AH BENG : A teacher

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

#########################

In our daily lives sometimes things we want don't come as we wish, don't turn up as we hope and sometimes or most of the times we get things we don't want anyway. When matter like this happens, don't fret or be disappointed for God creates things to happen with a reason.

A friend once told me: Sometimes God clouds the sun, and later throws us some thunderstorms and lightnings...little did we know that after the tears dry up, God gives us the rainbow for us to see!

Hold on to Surah Insyirah close to your heart. Should you feel your life is getting tougher, believe in His Promise that after every difficulty, you'll see ease to help you thread on your life. Just brace this difficult times with strong faith.

Stay cheerful folks!

Sunshine In My Heart

2008-06-30T13:00:00.003+08:00

The above jokes I received from dearest friend are hilarious. I almost fell off my chair when I looked at each one of them. It does recall how cheeky we tend to be when it comes to exams. Cunning some might say. I remembered the last time I went blank for my Add Math paper, I did send one SOS message to my examiner to consider giving 'markah kesian' for my effort of writing the formula... but not to extend of making a fool of myself like how the students answered the above questions....

What were they thinking???? Fooling the examiners? Hahahahaha....

While laughing is good, I think we need to be concerned with the quality of the human capital that we have. They soon will become our intellectual property or protected those of ours.

Is this a clue for the 'Loyar Buruk' term?

*******************************

My Updates:

I had received a call from Putrajaya Hospital that the PET SCAN appointment with them will be on the 8th of July. And the nurse informed and advised me that I need to watch my diet during the 2 days prior to the scanning day. She mentioned what food must I avoid and that I must make sure the last food I consume on the scanning day will be by 6am in the morning. I understand that I'm allowed to drink the plain water though the hospital used the term 'fasting' I must do on the 8th of July.

I was reminded too that the examination comes with a charge, and I told the nurse that HKL staff had informed about it and I have allocated the budget aside. I need to be there early since I'm not familiar with the hospital area. Insya'Allah

The chest pains don't come often now. I still experience the fatigue arm but I noted that I might over-exerting my arm and hand while doing the gardening last Saturday. The fact is that I already cannot tolerate seeing my Dragon Flower plants or Heliconias go all over the place... Saturday has become my trimming and pruning the flowers and the potted plants. It's not a chore, but a therapy... The feeling good sensation after you see all the flower plants beautifully trimmed is so rejuvenating. I just like seeing all of 'em clean-cut and trimmed. Nice, so nice.

Yesterday I met D, at the Amcorp Mall. It was good to have met her in person and yes, we spent half of the day chit-chatting and catching up with each other's progresses. I adore this woman for what she has endured. We shared our tribulations and we exchanged glances, smiles and laughter with intermittent looks in the eye that contained tears welling up. The journey is different but the endurance almost the same. We both could feel each other. We have never known each other but the empathy and compassionate is strong. Yesterday was like we had known each other for many years. Like we are two old friends catching up the many years we are separated... I'm grateful, we meet here in the blog world and I actually have known her late husband from the Matriculation years. Too bad she couldn't stay long as she had other things to do. Hopefully we'll meet again. Thank you D and Thank you Allah for permitting us to meet. I consider moments like that as another rezeki.

The business was good yesterday. Alhamdulillah. We sold the one and only big truck, our favourite, our Mack Truck, that we bought from Franklin Mint while we were in the States. I told MH for many moons that we need to let go as the house doesn't have enough space for such a big truck. And I'm happy the buyer is an Executive Director for a public-listed company that builts the body of big trucks. I know, he'll love this rare collection as much as I love it. He did have a good persuasion skill though....

Another buyer bought 3 Ferrari models and a book on Ferrari. While another one missed another 3 types of Ferrari models as all were grabbed by another collectors. Well, he told us he made a mistake, he should have put down a sum of money as a faith money before he adjourned to make his rounds and to later collect the cars from us. We have experienced people booking for a few models but failed to collect them or pay for the cars. So we consider those sincere will put down some deposit to indicate that they are serious enough with their words...

It's sunshine in the morning. And cloudy in the mid-day. And maybe it'll be raining later of the day. Yet, in my heart, it's a bright sunny feeling... Warm, fuzzy and lovely. I am happy and I hope you are happy too...

(This is my 200th entry... WOW! Never thought could have written these many entries... Alhamdulillah)

Our Life Is Our Choice

2008-06-26T10:15:00.007+08:00

It sunshine we have today. Alhamdulillah, praise and grace to Allah.

I read about a friend's writing pertaining to what should we do to avoid or prevent us from getting the dreaded illnesses such as breast cancer, fibroids or tumors. While I acknowledge his sincere intention to advice all of us, I can't help feeling a bit taken a back. I strongly feel I need to correct his perception of certain things. I choose to educate my readers about certain things I noted not correctly mentioned in his writing.

Spinach is not a waste to be eaten. It is rich in lutein, an anti-ageing agent plus contains a good dose of folic acid, a brain and artery protector. It is also a natural source for calcium. So instead of depending on calcium pills which may stress the liver, take spinach as the vegie in our diet. The rule is, eat it in moderation and mix and match it with other vegies too to make it balance.

Cabbage is also not a wastage. It contains natural beta-carotene, indoles, glucoinolates and isothiocyanates that can prevent sertain cancers. According to a study, it can help deter colon cancer and stomach cancer. Savoy cabbage (the crinkly type) is the strongest one; you can eat it raw or lightly cooked for best result. The caution: wash it really, really clean under the running water leaf by leaf before cutting it. If you can get organic cabbage, that's even better as no pesticide is used. The rule of thumb when buying: find the cabbage that has some marks of insect or caterpillar bites. The clean-dressed one is one that you should be wary. It indicates that pesticides are used heavily making the insect unable to even get near it.

Sometimes or many times it happens in our live. We try to prevent from getting the dreaded C by making sure we do this and that, we eat this and that. We avoid this and that. But the big C invaded the stable happiness we have. It crumples all efforts. But regret never attacks me. I never regretted the fact that after trying doing and praying hard that: saya dijauhkan dari penyakit-penyakit yang memudaratkan (I'm protected from all the dreaded sicknesses) and I still get it. It's a test from God and part of the tribulation that I need to allow some pauses in my life and do some self-reflections. It is a fate that only God knows why it happens or to whom it will happen. I am selected to shoulder this test. And I'm not backing away or refusing it because I just can't run away or tell God I decline this sickness and please give it to some one else. And I'm not giving my efforts up. I maintain all the efforts and improvise it. This time, because I already have the big C, I need to change some of the foods I take.

It's a fate that I'm a lactose intolerant person as dairy products like milk, cheese have some adverse effects to my body if I consume it. This is a blessing for me now. Again, let me clarify, these foods are not harmful. If you are not a lactose intolerant person like me and without the big C, then they become a good source for calcium for the body. But because I have big C, it becomes a bad, bad food. I tell you why. Milk produces mucuous in the stomach and mucuous is part of the food for the cancer cells. It aggravates the growth of the young buds of the cancer cells. It becomes the fertilizers. Now, of course I don't want it to happen.

Like sugar too, it multiplies the growth of the cancer cells. Less of oxygen in the blood also increases the division and multiplications of the cancer cells. It can activate the high number of cancer cells in the body. I'm grateful to Allah, the painful procedure of obtaining the blood at my pulse nodes (at my wrist) indicated that the oxygen level in my blood is good. So I know, in one part I manage to deprive or starve the cancer cells from growing.

Like what I mentioned in the Blog programme, even if after all these, it comes back again, I must put up a strong mental embrace that it is fated and only Allah knows why it has to occur again, after all the trying and efforts. I must not, at any time be angry or remoseful and give up. This is a test of my resilience and faith.

Nobody wants this dread C. Nobody likes to be sick. Thus, even with all this sickness and the clarification from my oncologist that because the scraping of my chest wall was to make sure the breast has good safety margin, it has exposed the ribcage bones as only the skin is protecting them. So, I have to understand that I will experience the chest pains attacking with twitching, prickling, piercing, throbbing or pressing sensations. I just need to take it as part of what I will endure. Like the frequent visits and tests, I did mention to MH one day last week that I have to embrace this thing: I'm now a test subject. Some people do not want it. So they stop going to the doctor. I look up highly to my doctors. They are the experts and I know deep in my heart that it is never in their intention to make me suffer. They are here to help treat my situation. The trust is so strong to them.

I embrace the Doa, Usaha, Ikhtiar and Tawakkal or the DUIT key words. What the doctors do are part of the usaha. My ikhtiar comes in the efforts to change my lifestyle, from being sad to being happy, if I cannot exercise religiously then making sure I practise good breathing techniques like in the TaiChi or QiGong to ensure good level of oxyegn is restored in my blood. Having positive mindset to energize the positive vibes in my body is part of the ikhtiar too. It's not easy, I tell you. More often than not, the mind becomes too affected by the concerns and worries. But I need to always touch my base to avoid the worries from overwhelming and conquering me. My base is the mental and spiritual embrace to accept all this as part of what has been fated for me. I start everything with hard prayers (Do'a in each solat) daily and make sure after all efforts are done I put back everything in God's hand (tawakkal). Like playing softball, every point of returning home has a base. To do so, we need to touch the base. We can't fly to run home.

It's easy to utter the word patience. Be patient. Of course, that's the least we could do. But I believe we can do more. Mental strength is one. That is one important pillar of strength. That's why I appreciate the efforts from friends who not only asked me to be patient but suggest that I continuously refer myself to God.

Cancer affects people differently. And this is my choice of efforts and I write about it. And I also write about the pains to the extent I describe the pain extensively. But please understand, I write to let go my worry, not to whine about the pain.

*********************

Five Energy-Draining Habits

a) Skimping on Necessities
Lack of sleep, exercise and good nutrition are the biggest energy-drainers in most people's lives.

b) Eating Meat, Poultry and Eggs
They are all rich in amino acid tryptophan, which helps induce sleep. So go light on these early in the day.

c) Gulping Caffeine
Coffee, tea and diet colas (soft/carbonated drinks) are stimulating but they don't provide carbohydrate calories, which are the source of true energy. If you rely on caffeine for energy, you'll soon find yourself running on empty fuel tank.

d) Snacking on Sugary Treats
Sugar gives you instant energy that fades super-fast.

e) Gorging on Big Meals
You'll exhaust yourself trying to digest all that food. Instead, eat small amounts of food more often.

Hope this info helps us to adjust our lives. Have a great day!

Test of Life - Revisited

2008-06-23T10:35:00.003+08:00

I had my appointment with my surgeon last Tuesday. (note: I always have 2 appointments; one with the surgeon - the doctor operated mastectomy on Nov 2004 and has been keeping the records and progress of my latest update and another one with the oncologist - the doctor incharged of chemotherapy and radiotherapy - she too is always concerned and caring with my latest updates).

The normal visit turned into a scare when she noted my shortness of breath and the intermittent chest pains. Her concern was that the heart blood vessels or arteries might get affected by the rays of the radiotherapy though she did mention that the modern machine has protected the heart from being penetrated or damaged. To rule out anything amiss, she suggested that I underwent some tests such as blood test ( a special blood at the pulse nodes be taken as sample for the tests), X-ray, and ECG test.

I needed to be admitted because she wanted to observe my situation. So she wrote a letter to the registration to place me at the First Class ward. I choked at this point because Ward 14 ( the First Class Ward) was the one I stayed during the operation and the recuperating. It flashed some sad memories. It wrenched my heart with pain I couldn't describe. Tears started to well up as I entered the registration office. I was asked to pay a deposit of RM1,100.00 and I looked at MH and MH looked at me. I didn't remember having that much of money on hand. I started searching in the many purses I have in my bags. I found RM400 in one, and another RM100 in another. I told the staff I didn't have enough money to register myself. He said that a ATM counter is nearby.

I told MH to stay and kept the RM500 while I rushed to the ATM counter. After withdrewing RM600 I rushed back to the registration office and paid the deposit. Then we went to Ward 14. My walk became heavier as I passed by the lobby that displayed the patients' names in the Operation Theatre. My heart sank as I saw the Ward. I looked away often because the tears really wanted to flow down. Got a room, but not the one person per room. I was placed at the ward of 4 to a room. But I'm okay with it. Sharing the room with someone else may avoid me feeling too distress. At least I have someone else to talk to when MH is not around, I thought.

The Medical Doctors right away did the needed thing for the test. 2 ECG tests were taken while I was warded for that 2 days. The chest X-ray indicated normalcy of the chest. Alhamdulillah. At 11.30pm I received two visiting MOs and they mentioned that the blood tests were okay. I have enough oxygen in my blood too. The 2 ECG tests were okay too. The heart doctors had rule out that my heart is in distress. I looked at both doctors and uttered my gratitude to Allah. When they both left the room, I did the solat syukur to Allah. I sobbed heavily but it was really a good cry. Suddenly I felt lighter. My worries gone.

According to the MO, I experience musculoskeletal causes with the soft bones at the rib cage may be swollen and experienced inflammation. I was given a pain killer that worked wonders but I had another problem. Bad headache! So they gave me a milder one. Alhamdulillah, the pills worked well too. The chest pains subsided. I was allowed to be discharged the next evening. But I was advised to rest at home.The doctors gave me MC for me to pass to my office. The bill showed that we needed to redeem the balance of the deposit. So we still needed to come back to the registration office.

The very next day I received a missed call. The number looked very familiar. It was the HKL Onco Clinic number. I called back and the nurse mentioned that I needed to see my Oncologist urgently. I told her I will be coming to the hospital on Friday and would see her right away. My worries came back sweeping me high in sadness. I smmed DocTA, right away as I knew he always knows how to take worry away with his good advice. After a few sms-es, I was a bit okay. Told myself if the blood tests indicated some concerns, I must not be angry and remorseful. I must put my faith above all.

The visit was not good. The Oncologist was concerned why I was admitted and she told me with my bare chest, I may feel on and off the similar pains keep coming. She then mentioned my cancer marker blood test was alarming - 40. Last January it was only 18. She proposed that I undergo PET Scan (PET stands for Positron emission tomography) at the Putrajaya Hospital since it will give a thorough imaging technique. She mentioned that the test comes with a cost. It's charged not like in HKL. I agreed as MH also agreed. The nurse faxed right away all my particluars to Putrajaya hospital. I need to wait for their call to set the appointment date. Now it's the waiting game , again!

*****************

Last night I was the guest featured in the Blog Programme aired on TV1. Sorry to all whom I failed to inform, actually the night before had forgotten to charge to phones so the life span of both phones was very short on the next day. The Ancient Mariner, had informed me that he put a small promo about me being featured in the programme. Ah! That was good, at least some people may have read it there.

The show was short and I really felt I needed more time to say. It was really some much to say in that so little time. I got choked and almost cried when the compere asked me the first question. I just got admitted with a scary thing, and I'm still awaiting some uncertain issue about the increase cancer markers in my body. Thank God! He noticed that I almost shed my tears so proceeded with the next question. When I saw the Hajjah survivor cried, I became, again, emotional. I must not cry, I told myself. I must regain my composure. Thank God, I had my tissues pretty handy.

MH told me that AdamZ cried seeing me on the show especially when I reminded him to constantly be a good Muslim. IdrisZ cried as he hugged me when I met him outside the studio. (Note: They too become overly dramatic - they take from no one but their mom!) Despite the short session, it was a good one though. At least I felt I have done my part telling the audience that blogging is not just about telling something we don't like about the Government. Blogging is my therapy. My retreat to self-reflection. My way of sharing. My up and downs. My roller coster rides. Battling the Big C. Alhamdulillah, it went well.

Received calls from home. Bapak saw me crying and he cried too. Received calls from SILs in JB. Also from Sinaganaga and BIL in Kajang and friend in SIRIM. And Kak Elle from Singapore, she too caught me in the programme. And another sister, Julia back home. Felt so blessed, my topic is part of the amal jariah to educate people. I hope my crusade was well heard and the audience take this Cancer matter seriously. Do the necessary check as early detection can save life.

Thank you all for the unending support that you all have given. It's not enough, to just say thank you, I know that and to Allah I seek His Mercy that all of you be given rahmah and berkah for the kind deeds via your prayers and do'as.

May God bless you all!

Pains

2008-06-16T10:14:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, grace and praise to Allah for giving me the opportunity to write and jott my update.

The meet up with the Oncologist drew some relief. She noted all the pains I mentioned and checked my upper body thoroughly. Especially on the lymph nodes under the arms and on my neck. She said both felt alright. But the chest area when the radiotherapy rays penetrated the chest had made the skin rough and hardened. Without anymore chest muscles, nerves and fats in it, there is a possibility that the pain is resulted from the stressed chest. Anyway, the chest had become more concaved now.

She was very concerned when she saw my reports that I had to take calcium lactate pills. I told her that in her abscence, I was referred to a few young oncologists, whom I suspected were the trainee doctors. She told me to stop consuming them, which I did already many moons ago. She however, recommended that I had my blood taken for two tests: the calcium baseline and cancer markers. She told me if everything is fine, I'll see her in December. If anything is caught not right with the blood test, the hospital with call me sooner. Insya'Allah, I'll see her in December.

We talked at length about the effects of Tamoxifen too. And the link with estrogen dominance in breast cancer survivors. She told me to think that I've consumed Tamoxifen for 3 years and another 2 more years to go. So far it had done wonderfully to my body, stopping the extra production of estrogen hormone in my body thus starving the remaining cancer cells from being fed on. I agreed with her. I told her I do not have an intention of quitting taking Tamoxifen because I wanted to be slimmer. I know for a fact that with me, the side effect is obvious enough that it is giving me the fluid retention issue. I have come to terms with it and never felt discouraged and heartbroken to see my body gets bloated. I do still feel bad when someone jokingly said about my body weight but quickly told myself to forgive the person 'awful-to-hear remarks' for his/her sheer unawareness about my health condition.

I still experience the pain. The worst was on Saturday night. The left arm got very lethargic and throbbing pain on the chest and my back got me squirming in pain. I woke up many times unable to have a good sleep. At all. I took the deep heat oitment and applied it the arm. It felt good. But for a while only. I rubbed and rubbed my arm and uttered the syifa' supplication.

I took 'salonplas' aka koyok patches and stuck a couple of it on my shoulderblades. And my back too. But I couldn't reach the part that got me in real pain. I thought I wanted to tell MH to cancel the flea market business. But I needed to cheer myself up and seeing many people, getting acquainted with them always help my mind to focus on something else but the pain. So I didn't tell MH that my back and chest pains were a real torture. I just needed to make myself busy. And I prayed hard, it won't distract me.

I met Captain, The Ancient Mariner that morning at the Jamal Mohamad's Restaurant. He was rather surprised to see me having breakfast quite far from my place. I told him that we love having breakfast there. The place is always crowded and lively conversations make it merrier. My boys love the Nasi Lemak. I just love the aroma of the char kuey tiau fried freshly and fastly done. Not to mention the sound of the ladles banging the wok. I appreciate the moment very much.

He asked about my condition and I told him what the doctor mentioned. I will experience this pain on and off. Especially when the chest is pressured by extra movements (could be by the arm or by the nerve at the back). It's like something stretching it and after a while, it cannot bear it no more. So the pain hits. But I'll tawakkal and whine not about this situation. It's a part of the minor test that I have to endure. All this while I could handle it, so why should I crumple now?

I hate to look sick. So I try to put up my happy face all the time. And embroid my day with jokes and laughter. That's why to some, since I don't look sick, I may sound like I crave for their sympathy and attention. That exhibits my 'Drama Queen' character. Believe me, it's hard to be in this shoe so not many people really want to wear one.

God is great, I always get some way to forget the pain. Alhamdulillah.

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Joke of the Day

The Young Detective

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."

The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper. The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate.

"I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.

"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Hahahahahaha....Have a great day folks!

Nerve Impingement? Musculoskeletal Causes?

2008-06-12T13:16:00.004+08:00

I may be experiencing some panic-attack after all. I may be being dramatic and overly worrying. I hope. I hope so. I really hope so. After many months being 'okay' I think I fell into the comfort zone that I'm out-of-the-red-alert boundary. Then when some pains come up, I got stung by panic bites. And started being emotional.

I still experience the pain going on and off but more off than on now. Great and alhamdulillah. Last nite too, I woke up in the normal hours and managed to do the necessary duties without difficulty. Once in a while it did disturb me. But it wasn't piercing anymore. It felt like some hard pressures on my chest. Mostly for a while only. So when it came, I just paused reading and hold my chest. I continued reciting this syifa' supplication while rubbing or caressing the incision area until the pain subsided. This has been my healing verse so far. Going back to sleep was also not a difficult task. The breathing techniques help and it has been my practice before going to bed.

Supplication for Healing Pains (any pain)

Today, I googled 'chest pain' and I got this infor from this wonderful site, http://www.cardiologychannel.com/chestpain/causes.shtml since I really want to know what could cause it and must I be worried about it.

The following is the extract that I got about the causes of chest pain.

Important Facts:

Pain in the chest may be unrelated to the heart
Chest pain can be caused by digestive disorders, such as acid reflux and ulcers
Lung conditions, including pneumonia and pulmonary embolism can cause chest pain
Chest pain that is severe or lasts longer than 15 minutes requires medical care

Causes
Non-cardiac causes of chest pain include the following:

Gastrointestinal Causes

Pains originating from the digestive tract often can mimic heart pains. Acid produced in the stomach can sometimes reflux, or back up into the esophagus, the long tube that connects the mouth to the stomach. This can cause discomfort in the upper stomach or around the breastbone. Acid reflux can irritate and inflame the esophagus, a condition known as esophagitis. It occurs after a meal or when one lies down. One clue that acid reflux may be the cause of chest pain is that the discomfort often is relieved by the use of an antacid such as Maalox® or Mylanta®.

Another cause of pain originating from the digestive tract is an ulcer, an erosion of the lining of the stomach or duodenum, the first part of the small intestine. Ulcers can result from heavy alcohol consumption, or chronic use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDs), and pain medications, such as ibuprofen (Motrin®) and naproxen sodium (Aleve®, Naprosyn®). Due to potentially severe gastrointestinal and cardiovascular side effects, NSAIDs should only be used as instructed.

Ulcers may also develop without a clear cause. As with acid reflux, the ulcer pain can cause discomfort in the upper abdomen, can be triggered by eating, and is sometimes relieved with antacids.

Musculoskeletal Causes

The chest contains many muscles, bones, tendons, and cartilage (the rubbery tissue that connects muscles and bones). Strains or sprains to any of these can cause chest pains. Chest pains associated with musculoskeletal injury are typically sharp and confined to a specific area of the chest. They may be brought on by movement of the chest and/or arms into certain positions, and often are relieved by changing position. These pains can be triggered by pushing on part of the chest and often become worse when taking a deep breath. These pains usually last only seconds, but can persist for days.

Pulmonary Causes

Pneumonia is an infection that develops in the lungs. It can lead to inflammation of the lung tissue or the tissue that surrounds the lung, a condition called pleuritis. Both conditions can cause chest pains. The pains of pneumonia and pleuritis are often made worse by deep breaths or coughing.

A rare but life-threatening condition that affects the lungs is pulmonary embolism, a blood clot that develops in a vein in the pelvis or legs. If part of the clot breaks free, it can travel through the bloodstream and into the lungs, where it may block the flow of blood in part of the lung. This can cause sudden chest pains and shortness of breath. Although blood clots can develop in people with no obvious risk factors, people considered to be at increased risk include those who remain immobile for long periods (e.g., bed-bound patients, people who sit through long-distance plane trips), cancer patients, and women who use birth control pills and smoke. Pulmonary embolism is a serious condition that requires immediate medical attention.

Another rare but potentially lethal lung condition that can cause chest pains is pneumothorax, which occurs when part or all of a lung collapses. Pneumothorax produces sharp chest pains and severe shortness of breath. As with other lung conditions, the pain may be felt more acutely with deep breaths, or may be made better or worse by assuming certain positions. Like pulmonary embolism, pneumothorax is a condition that requires immediate medical attention.

Aortic Dissection

A rare but often fatal condition associated with chest pain occurs when a tear develops in the wall of the aorta (the large blood vessel that carries blood from the heart to the head, arms, chest, abdomen, and legs). This condition, called aortic dissection, causes severe pains in the chest and/or back. Often described by survivors as the worst pain they ever experienced, the pain of aortic dissection may last hours, even days. Although it occurs most commonly in patients with high blood pressure, aortic dissection can strike anyone. It is a life-threatening condition that requires immediate diagnosis and treatment.

Nerve Impingement

The network of nerves that service all parts of the body originates in the spinal cord. The spinal cord runs through the spinal canal inside the spine or backbone. Smaller nerves branch off the spinal cord at various points along the neck and back and exit through openings along the spine. If one of these nerves becomes pinched or partially blocked where it exits the spine, pain can result. Nerve impingement also occurs when one or more of the soft discs that serve as shock absorbers between the bones of the spine become are damaged or "slip out of place."

Impingement of the nerves by either of these processes can produce sharp "shooting" pain in the shoulders, arms, neck, or chest. These pains often are triggered by certain movements of the neck or arms.

Shingles

The chickenpox that most people experience as children is caused by a virus. Although the symptoms of chickenpox usually pass quickly, the virus itself can remain in the body, lying dormant for years. Occasionally, the virus can become "reactivated" and spread through a nerve to a specific area of the skin. When this occurs, it can cause pain, and later, the development of vesicles on the skin. This condition is called shingles.

Because the onset of discomfort or pain associated with shingles can precede the appearance of vesicles by several days, a person can experience pain in a certain area of the chest for several days before the cause becomes apparent. This discomfort often manifests as a dull, constant burning or pain in a localized area of the chest. Prompt recognition and diagnosis of shingles is important because medications now are available which, if administered early enough, can minimize the pain and shorten the duration of the attack.

I hope it's just the nerve impingement or musculoskeletal causes because it describes well about the pain. Any of those two I can take it (hopefully). Do I miss anything alarming? I hope, not. Insya'Allah. Anyway, I'll still alert my oncologist about it and see what she'll recommend tomorrow.

Thank you for the prayers and du'as. Thank you for standing by me and comforting this dramatic queen.

God bless y'all.

The Fear Haunts Again

2008-06-11T12:11:00.005+08:00

Last night, my sleep was disturbed with this piercing pain in my left chest. It was raining heavily too so the ambiance in the bedroom became colder. I pulled the blanket and tried to get back to sleep but I failed to find a good sleeping position that would lessen the pain. I looked at the clock and saw the time was clocked at 2am.

I got up and went to the bathroom to take the ablution and did the necessary prayers. It was during the 'reconciliation time' with Him that I became emotional. Scared and worry intertwined with the torture to breathe because of the pain. Tears welled up and streamed down my cheeks. I sobbed terribly asking Him to give me the strength. For whatever that I'm suppose to brace, give me the strength. Put this worry elsewhere. Take the pain away. It was a long moment yet I felt calmer after that and sat at the edge of the bed trying to do the breathing technique because it normally helps me go back to sleep.

As I laid down, the pain came back. I put a small pillow on my shoulder hoping it could cushion my back because I could feel the pain like piercing it. It didn't help. I throw the pillow away. I sat down again and looked at MH. I didn't wake him up for the mere reason I didn't want to disturb his sleep. So I positioned 2 pillows and tried to rest on them. It didn't help too. Even when I sat down the pain became intense. I recited several verses of Ayat Syifa' that I know and rubbed my chest 7 times. Then I recited the du'a Nabi Ayub. I tried to free my mind from the worry and fears.

I threw one pillow away. And the bolster too. After tossing around several times, I laid on my right side and continued with the zikirs until I dozed off. It was the azan suboh (the morning prayer call) that woke me up again. I saw MH already got out of the bathroom and I sat for awhile and did a few simple stretching exercises. Then I went into the bathroom after they boys took their turn taking the ablution. I rushed to the kitchen after solat and the pain came back. I tried pushing away the worries by reciting some zikirs while cooking some breakfast. I just made myself busy and tried to let the concentration went somewhere else.

IdrisZ came and mentioned he felt like not wanting to go to school and I asked him why was that. He said he's not feeling well and I could see his lips had changed colours to dark red - an indication that fever has set in. I felt his face, it felt hot, no wonder the lips looked like burnt! I took the medicines and placed the bottles on the kitchen table. I asked him to get dress and asked him to eat his breakfast first. I rushed to the bathroom for a nice bath - it is the time I used my visualisation technique to wash away the remaining cancer cells, if any. It's a must-to-do bathing chore and after that I felt quite good. Refreshed. Without the pain. And the fears subsided too.

I gave my little sweetheart the medication and asked him to wear the sweater. The pain seemed to have been gone. Alhamdulillah. Then we went off to my mom's house to send the boys. In the car I mentioned to MH. He looked at me with concerns. He asked why I didn't wake him up. I said: Tak sampai hati lah...

It was in the train that the pain came back. And I'm still having this pain - the piercing-pressing kind of poking sensation. After a while it feels like a burning sensation. Right there at the incision area. I can't be sure if it's like in the chest or in the bones. The fear keep coming back haunting me with suspicions that I am afraid to mention. I'll try to keep the negative thoughts from streaming in. I cannot allow the negative thoughts to spread the negative energy. I need to keep my mind positive. I must.

Thank God, the work in the office is not much today. My boss is away oversea too so at least I can lie in my room (I have a special resting place - that is quite secluded and I use it for my praying area too) without much disturbance. I'll be meeting my oncologist this Friday. I will note her with my current situation. I pray hard the fear is just a worry feeling. Hopefully....hopefully...

"Ya Allah, ketika begini ia datang, ketakutan mengusir kekuatan yang ada padaku. Aku mohon padaMu Ya Allah, kuatkan semangatku. Jauhkan aku dari musykil yang membawa fikiranku berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Tabahkan aku Ya Allah. Cekalkan aku Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya aku yakin denganMu. Apa yang telah Kau tetapkan bagiku adalah yang terbaik bagiku. Kau kentalkan jiwaku dan tingkatkanlah imanku. Amin ya robbb...."

To Be In Or Not To Be In?

2008-06-09T10:49:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillahirobbila'alamin, praise to God the Most Loving and Merciful. I'm thanking Him for giving me back my health and for curing me of the influenza virus that seemed to be difficult to go away. It's nice to be able to speak without the concern of the flu that streams down the nose and the itchiness of the throat. It is really a wonderful, wonderful feeling...

Do I join any association or support group for Breast Cancer? That is the common question I get every time I talk about my breast cancer battle. Yes, I'm the Lifetime Member of one breast cancer support group. By virtue of my health condition I should automatically be a lifetime member. But in the constitution of the support group, a Lifetime member needs to pay a whole sum of a certain amount to get that entitlement. If not every member needs to pay the monthly sum. Imagine those who struggle to pay for the monthly bills, to have and get them registered as a member would mean they have to fork out a sum of money just to pay the membership fee.

"Why do I join the association or support group and do I achieve my goal?" becomes the second question. I joined because I wanted to find some support and a place to refer to. But after 2 years, I realised I got support not just from the group but more often from seeking the comforts and solace with the Creator, the family, close relatives, friends and the research or reading materials. I started to experience certain things that made me more stressful because certain level of expectation was involved. MH many times had reminded me that I must in many ways enjoy joining a support group and contribute anything because I want to, not because I feel obliged to. Slowly, I pulled myself away from the support group and started doing the talks on my own without troubling myself to wear certain hats.

The last time I really get involved made me cry more often and in the end I really felt that instead of joining them to de-stress I gather more stress. That increases the level of acidity in my blood. As often mentioned here in my blog, higher level of acidity in the blood for anyone increases the chance for the multiplication of the cancer cells. Mind you, every one of us has the cancer cells in our body. Those who have good immune level will be able to stunt the multiplication and kill the cells or force the cell to mutate and be certain cells for the body organ. But to some others who have low immune level or compromised immune level, this high level of acidity is THE REQUIRED FOOD for the cancer cells to grow faster. That is why for any cancer patients and survivors, one needs to be concerned, wary and always on his/her toes with her emotional state. Anything generating negative vibe releases negative energy and increases the high acid level. (Photo below is the dividing cancer cells, taken from National Cancer Institute.Org)

The talks become another channel for my crusade other than my ramblings in my blog. In my talks, I never mention what I do is the best or what I eat is the 'must-eat-food' for all cancer patients and survivors. Neither do I place my role as a doctor. I don't give specific advice whether they should do lumpectomy or mastectomy. All I say would be go to the nearest doctors or hospital which has a breast clinic and get their advice. We call them the breast consultants or doctors because they are the expert. I don't act as doctors and pass words or advice like doctors. I talk mainly about my journey and advise them that breast cancer could happen to anybody whether the risk factors are high on the person or not. I don't talk about how to prevent breast cancer but about how to handle or deal with breast cancer when someone is diagnosed with it.

So to answer the third question of: "Is a support group important to a cancer patient?", I think it depends on which level the person battling with cancer is in. In the initial phase, yes, having a support group is important, mainly to get insights and confidence to fight the illness. But over the years, as the patients become survivors the objectives of or reasons for being amongst a support group may change. I have known quite a number of them (patients and survivors) who don't even link with any support group but still lead an active and productive life and continue to be healthy too. It also depends largely on the levels of education and exposure of the cancer patients and survivors.

Whatever it is, as long as we are happy being in it and no stress accumulated then it's fine to be with any group. I'm not saying the support group is bad for us. It depends on what we are looking for. Sometimes it's good to have a strong sense of belonging too that makes you always feel welcomed and appreciated for no matter how small your contribution is.

Words Women Normally Use

2008-06-06T16:52:00.001+08:00

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. 'Five minutes' is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's! Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

My Update:

I'm feeling really okay almost 99% over with this flu thingy. Alhamdulillah. My feeling is still sore with what just mentioned over the news to us. Really feel like we are being punished for the recent outspoken act in the last PRU12. I maybe wrong, but that's what I'm feeling. I know I have to be grateful, I still breathe with free air...hopefully it will not be charged soon. But to treat us the Rakyats like this is really manslaving us and eventually manslaughtering us.

The news is stressing me and stress is not good for me so that's why I include the famous phrases we women normally used...I need to cheer myself up. Hopefully you too are cheered up.

To those men out there (who about to learn having a relationship), this can be a guideline to use. To others, use it to laugh with you loved ones...hehehehe...

Have a wonderful weekend dear readers!

Thank You Sheila!

2008-06-05T17:01:00.000+08:00

It's A Hard, Hard Life...

2008-06-05T10:25:00.002+08:00

Sundown

It's gonna be a hard, hard life here onwards. Yesterday, I came back late from the office but MH and I got stuck in heavy traffic jam in Kelana Jaya. Believe me, it was a scary scenario! Almost 2 hours, we were hurdling and squeezing our way just to get out from PJ and yet, everywhere we go, the roads were blocked by many cars because the drivers wanted to beat the time to refuel.

We reached home almost to 10 pm. Now, that's tiring for me, really. Even in the car, we discussed the possible 'hard' effects on us. Of course, it hits everyone badly. The increase cost of the gas has the ripple effect to other prices too. I told MH, we have to brace this thing together, like we sailed the high waves of battling BC, it will be the same thing with our escalating expenses. Expect the worse, I told him since I don't see how the Minister that is supposed to help us (reduce the cost of living) can help us. He seems to be a good orator but not a good implementor. Maybe because his fuel is paid by the Government so he is not washed away by the ripples of the hard life. I really wonder, is he or do THEY really feel like WE feel?

The cost of the cooking oil that I use at home has increased from RM17 to RM30 for the 3 liter bottle. The costs of the medicines and supplements have risen too. I just can't list them down. The income revenue has increased too with the flea market business and the talks or trainings that I do but we can't proceed with the plan to keep it aside for the rainy days, now. It is supposed to be our 'umbrella' and now this umbrella can't even hold the angry typhoons that swept us all. I am imagining those who simply rely on their fixed salary and I feel the pain and the suffering. Imagine in August as the fuel is gonna be charged at RM4. Imagine!

Life is not going to be easy. Infact it has not been easy all this while. It's going to get harder and harder. And yet life has to go on... so people, tell me the options...what do we have on hand? If you suggest eat tapioca, it will not be good on me. If you suggest stop dining at expensive restaurants, I rarely, hardly, barely, almost never go in there. If you said stop buying designers' collections for shoes, handbags or dresses, I have stopped doing so since I get this BC. We can't fight the big waves, infact we are pushed high to be slammed down with great pain. We need something to grope.. a pole or some invincible hand from above...

Why is that I feel like I am robbed?

A Matter Of Affairs

2008-06-02T10:50:00.001+08:00

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rubbed them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.' '

There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

*************

My Update:

The flu seems so hard to go away. I am still sneezing often and the running nose sometimes block the nose making the voice hoarse and becomes husky. As usual, when I'm hit with flu, I will the first one to get it and the last one to recover from it. But I really feel fine because it's just a flu. As long as I'm not bed-ridden and not weakened by the flu, I'm okay. It's not often that I got sick with flu so I don't really complain about it. I went to the National Cancer Society Malaysia last Friday to register for the Relay For Life Event but in the end we all didn't go because MH said I'm not okay yet. He feared that my health condition worsened because we may be caught in the rain. Though I really want to be there with them all, but I feel I need to listen to MH.

Actually, I see this yearly event as something boosting for me when I could see so many survivors showing the good fighting spirit they embrace since having cancer. Last year I met the little girl featured in the TV advertisement and it was an emotional moment. She's so young but her spirit is so big. She's a fighter and seeing her I know many patients and survivors want to emulate her too. God bless Aniza, the little girl.

It was also a plan to meet KakPi at One Utama. The plan didn't materialise because I overlooked the time of the event, I thought it was a morning event until I went back to her blog last Friday and saw it as p.m...Who wants to do an event as early as 7.30am? Duhhhh!

Yesterday, I was at the Amcorp Mall doing the flea market business as usual. The business was brisk with our regular customers dropping by. Alhamdulillah. I met someone I knew from the blogging scene. He brought along his wife and we clicked right away. It was a good day despite the cat-and-dog rain outside. My boys and MH were introduced to a guy whom I called the 'MatchBox Ardent Collector'. He has the old collections of Match Box cars as old as the 60's. Impressive! AdamZ compared his Hotwheel collections with a few collectors too that we all called the Hotwheelers. They exchanged collections and plan to meet again next week. So he is introduced to the barter system.

Where money is needed for him to pay the 'toy', I asked Adamz how is he going to get it because I won't be paying for the extra toy. That will be creating another hole in the purse as it's not budgeted. I want him to know that the monthly allowance stays as it is. And with a 'slumber' face he answered: How about you pay me RM5 if Abang lipat (fold) the socks and underwears? And RM10 for my clothes and Abang will put in nicely in the wardrobe too... He offered the service, I smiled at him and said: It's a deal. So... no work, no pay. No pay, no toy eh? he just nodded. Wait a minute... I'm not abusing labour here okay? I just want him to understand the meaning of hard-earned money and the fact that to get something extra, he needs to show his determination of getting it...

So folks, enjoy the rest of the day and the jokes too. To those who hate Monday, hopefully the jokes put the Monday blues away. Take care y'all.