Test of Life - Revisited

I had my appointment with my surgeon last Tuesday. (note: I always have 2 appointments; one with the surgeon - the doctor operated mastectomy on Nov 2004 and has been keeping the records and progress of my latest update and another one with the oncologist - the doctor incharged of chemotherapy and radiotherapy - she too is always concerned and caring with my latest updates).

The normal visit turned into a scare when she noted my shortness of breath and the intermittent chest pains. Her concern was that the heart blood vessels or arteries might get affected by the rays of the radiotherapy though she did mention that the modern machine has protected the heart from being penetrated or damaged. To rule out anything amiss, she suggested that I underwent some tests such as blood test ( a special blood at the pulse nodes be taken as sample for the tests), X-ray, and ECG test.

I needed to be admitted because she wanted to observe my situation. So she wrote a letter to the registration to place me at the First Class ward. I choked at this point because Ward 14 ( the First Class Ward) was the one I stayed during the operation and the recuperating. It flashed some sad memories. It wrenched my heart with pain I couldn't describe. Tears started to well up as I entered the registration office. I was asked to pay a deposit of RM1,100.00 and I looked at MH and MH looked at me. I didn't remember having that much of money on hand. I started searching in the many purses I have in my bags. I found RM400 in one, and another RM100 in another. I told the staff I didn't have enough money to register myself. He said that a ATM counter is nearby.

I told MH to stay and kept the RM500 while I rushed to the ATM counter. After withdrewing RM600 I rushed back to the registration office and paid the deposit. Then we went to Ward 14. My walk became heavier as I passed by the lobby that displayed the patients' names in the Operation Theatre. My heart sank as I saw the Ward. I looked away often because the tears really wanted to flow down. Got a room, but not the one person per room. I was placed at the ward of 4 to a room. But I'm okay with it. Sharing the room with someone else may avoid me feeling too distress. At least I have someone else to talk to when MH is not around, I thought.

The Medical Doctors right away did the needed thing for the test. 2 ECG tests were taken while I was warded for that 2 days. The chest X-ray indicated normalcy of the chest. Alhamdulillah. At 11.30pm I received two visiting MOs and they mentioned that the blood tests were okay. I have enough oxygen in my blood too. The 2 ECG tests were okay too. The heart doctors had rule out that my heart is in distress. I looked at both doctors and uttered my gratitude to Allah. When they both left the room, I did the solat syukur to Allah. I sobbed heavily but it was really a good cry. Suddenly I felt lighter. My worries gone.

According to the MO, I experience musculoskeletal causes with the soft bones at the rib cage may be swollen and experienced inflammation. I was given a pain killer that worked wonders but I had another problem. Bad headache! So they gave me a milder one. Alhamdulillah, the pills worked well too. The chest pains subsided. I was allowed to be discharged the next evening. But I was advised to rest at home.The doctors gave me MC for me to pass to my office. The bill showed that we needed to redeem the balance of the deposit. So we still needed to come back to the registration office.

The very next day I received a missed call. The number looked very familiar. It was the HKL Onco Clinic number. I called back and the nurse mentioned that I needed to see my Oncologist urgently. I told her I will be coming to the hospital on Friday and would see her right away. My worries came back sweeping me high in sadness. I smmed DocTA, right away as I knew he always knows how to take worry away with his good advice. After a few sms-es, I was a bit okay. Told myself if the blood tests indicated some concerns, I must not be angry and remorseful. I must put my faith above all.

The visit was not good. The Oncologist was concerned why I was admitted and she told me with my bare chest, I may feel on and off the similar pains keep coming. She then mentioned my cancer marker blood test was alarming - 40. Last January it was only 18. She proposed that I undergo PET Scan (PET stands for Positron emission tomography) at the Putrajaya Hospital since it will give a thorough imaging technique. She mentioned that the test comes with a cost. It's charged not like in HKL. I agreed as MH also agreed. The nurse faxed right away all my particluars to Putrajaya hospital. I need to wait for their call to set the appointment date. Now it's the waiting game , again!

*****************

Last night I was the guest featured in the Blog Programme aired on TV1. Sorry to all whom I failed to inform, actually the night before had forgotten to charge to phones so the life span of both phones was very short on the next day. The Ancient Mariner, had informed me that he put a small promo about me being featured in the programme. Ah! That was good, at least some people may have read it there.

The show was short and I really felt I needed more time to say. It was really some much to say in that so little time. I got choked and almost cried when the compere asked me the first question. I just got admitted with a scary thing, and I'm still awaiting some uncertain issue about the increase cancer markers in my body. Thank God! He noticed that I almost shed my tears so proceeded with the next question. When I saw the Hajjah survivor cried, I became, again, emotional. I must not cry, I told myself. I must regain my composure. Thank God, I had my tissues pretty handy.

MH told me that AdamZ cried seeing me on the show especially when I reminded him to constantly be a good Muslim. IdrisZ cried as he hugged me when I met him outside the studio. (Note: They too become overly dramatic - they take from no one but their mom!) Despite the short session, it was a good one though. At least I felt I have done my part telling the audience that blogging is not just about telling something we don't like about the Government. Blogging is my therapy. My retreat to self-reflection. My way of sharing. My up and downs. My roller coster rides. Battling the Big C. Alhamdulillah, it went well.

Received calls from home. Bapak saw me crying and he cried too. Received calls from SILs in JB. Also from Sinaganaga and BIL in Kajang and friend in SIRIM. And Kak Elle from Singapore, she too caught me in the programme. And another sister, Julia back home. Felt so blessed, my topic is part of the amal jariah to educate people. I hope my crusade was well heard and the audience take this Cancer matter seriously. Do the necessary check as early detection can save life.

Thank you all for the unending support that you all have given. It's not enough, to just say thank you, I know that and to Allah I seek His Mercy that all of you be given rahmah and berkah for the kind deeds via your prayers and do'as.

May God bless you all!

Nerve Impingement? Musculoskeletal Causes?

I may be experiencing some panic-attack after all. I may be being dramatic and overly worrying. I hope. I hope so. I really hope so. After many months being 'okay' I think I fell into the comfort zone that I'm out-of-the-red-alert boundary. Then when some pains come up, I got stung by panic bites. And started being emotional.

I still experience the pain going on and off but more off than on now. Great and alhamdulillah. Last nite too, I woke up in the normal hours and managed to do the necessary duties without difficulty. Once in a while it did disturb me. But it wasn't piercing anymore. It felt like some hard pressures on my chest. Mostly for a while only. So when it came, I just paused reading and hold my chest. I continued reciting this syifa' supplication while rubbing or caressing the incision area until the pain subsided. This has been my healing verse so far. Going back to sleep was also not a difficult task. The breathing techniques help and it has been my practice before going to bed.

Supplication for Healing Pains (any pain)

Today, I googled 'chest pain' and I got this infor from this wonderful site, http://www.cardiologychannel.com/chestpain/causes.shtml since I really want to know what could cause it and must I be worried about it.

The following is the extract that I got about the causes of chest pain.

Important Facts:

• Pain in the chest may be unrelated to the heart
• Chest pain can be caused by digestive disorders, such as acid reflux and ulcers
• Lung conditions, including pneumonia and pulmonary embolism can cause chest pain
• Chest pain that is severe or lasts longer than 15 minutes requires medical care

Causes
Non-cardiac causes of chest pain include the following:

Gastrointestinal Causes

Pains originating from the digestive tract often can mimic heart pains. Acid produced in the stomach can sometimes reflux, or back up into the esophagus, the long tube that connects the mouth to the stomach. This can cause discomfort in the upper stomach or around the breastbone. Acid reflux can irritate and inflame the esophagus, a condition known as esophagitis. It occurs after a meal or when one lies down. One clue that acid reflux may be the cause of chest pain is that the discomfort often is relieved by the use of an antacid such as Maalox® or Mylanta®.

Another cause of pain originating from the digestive tract is an ulcer, an erosion of the lining of the stomach or duodenum, the first part of the small intestine. Ulcers can result from heavy alcohol consumption, or chronic use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDs), and pain medications, such as ibuprofen (Motrin®) and naproxen sodium (Aleve®, Naprosyn®). Due to potentially severe gastrointestinal and cardiovascular side effects, NSAIDs should only be used as instructed.

Ulcers may also develop without a clear cause. As with acid reflux, the ulcer pain can cause discomfort in the upper abdomen, can be triggered by eating, and is sometimes relieved with antacids.

Musculoskeletal Causes

The chest contains many muscles, bones, tendons, and cartilage (the rubbery tissue that connects muscles and bones). Strains or sprains to any of these can cause chest pains. Chest pains associated with musculoskeletal injury are typically sharp and confined to a specific area of the chest. They may be brought on by movement of the chest and/or arms into certain positions, and often are relieved by changing position. These pains can be triggered by pushing on part of the chest and often become worse when taking a deep breath. These pains usually last only seconds, but can persist for days.

Pulmonary Causes

Pneumonia is an infection that develops in the lungs. It can lead to inflammation of the lung tissue or the tissue that surrounds the lung, a condition called pleuritis. Both conditions can cause chest pains. The pains of pneumonia and pleuritis are often made worse by deep breaths or coughing.

A rare but life-threatening condition that affects the lungs is pulmonary embolism, a blood clot that develops in a vein in the pelvis or legs. If part of the clot breaks free, it can travel through the bloodstream and into the lungs, where it may block the flow of blood in part of the lung. This can cause sudden chest pains and shortness of breath. Although blood clots can develop in people with no obvious risk factors, people considered to be at increased risk include those who remain immobile for long periods (e.g., bed-bound patients, people who sit through long-distance plane trips), cancer patients, and women who use birth control pills and smoke. Pulmonary embolism is a serious condition that requires immediate medical attention.

Another rare but potentially lethal lung condition that can cause chest pains is pneumothorax, which occurs when part or all of a lung collapses. Pneumothorax produces sharp chest pains and severe shortness of breath. As with other lung conditions, the pain may be felt more acutely with deep breaths, or may be made better or worse by assuming certain positions. Like pulmonary embolism, pneumothorax is a condition that requires immediate medical attention.

Aortic Dissection

A rare but often fatal condition associated with chest pain occurs when a tear develops in the wall of the aorta (the large blood vessel that carries blood from the heart to the head, arms, chest, abdomen, and legs). This condition, called aortic dissection, causes severe pains in the chest and/or back. Often described by survivors as the worst pain they ever experienced, the pain of aortic dissection may last hours, even days. Although it occurs most commonly in patients with high blood pressure, aortic dissection can strike anyone. It is a life-threatening condition that requires immediate diagnosis and treatment.

Nerve Impingement

The network of nerves that service all parts of the body originates in the spinal cord. The spinal cord runs through the spinal canal inside the spine or backbone. Smaller nerves branch off the spinal cord at various points along the neck and back and exit through openings along the spine. If one of these nerves becomes pinched or partially blocked where it exits the spine, pain can result. Nerve impingement also occurs when one or more of the soft discs that serve as shock absorbers between the bones of the spine become are damaged or "slip out of place."

Impingement of the nerves by either of these processes can produce sharp "shooting" pain in the shoulders, arms, neck, or chest. These pains often are triggered by certain movements of the neck or arms.

Shingles

The chickenpox that most people experience as children is caused by a virus. Although the symptoms of chickenpox usually pass quickly, the virus itself can remain in the body, lying dormant for years. Occasionally, the virus can become "reactivated" and spread through a nerve to a specific area of the skin. When this occurs, it can cause pain, and later, the development of vesicles on the skin. This condition is called shingles.

Because the onset of discomfort or pain associated with shingles can precede the appearance of vesicles by several days, a person can experience pain in a certain area of the chest for several days before the cause becomes apparent. This discomfort often manifests as a dull, constant burning or pain in a localized area of the chest. Prompt recognition and diagnosis of shingles is important because medications now are available which, if administered early enough, can minimize the pain and shorten the duration of the attack.

I hope it's just the nerve impingement or musculoskeletal causes because it describes well about the pain. Any of those two I can take it (hopefully). Do I miss anything alarming? I hope, not. Insya'Allah. Anyway, I'll still alert my oncologist about it and see what she'll recommend tomorrow.

Thank you for the prayers and du'as. Thank you for standing by me and comforting this dramatic queen.

God bless y'all.

The Fear Haunts Again

Last night, my sleep was disturbed with this piercing pain in my left chest. It was raining heavily too so the ambiance in the bedroom became colder. I pulled the blanket and tried to get back to sleep but I failed to find a good sleeping position that would lessen the pain. I looked at the clock and saw the time was clocked at 2am.

I got up and went to the bathroom to take the ablution and did the necessary prayers. It was during the 'reconciliation time' with Him that I became emotional. Scared and worry intertwined with the torture to breathe because of the pain. Tears welled up and streamed down my cheeks. I sobbed terribly asking Him to give me the strength. For whatever that I'm suppose to brace, give me the strength. Put this worry elsewhere. Take the pain away. It was a long moment yet I felt calmer after that and sat at the edge of the bed trying to do the breathing technique because it normally helps me go back to sleep.

As I laid down, the pain came back. I put a small pillow on my shoulder hoping it could cushion my back because I could feel the pain like piercing it. It didn't help. I throw the pillow away. I sat down again and looked at MH. I didn't wake him up for the mere reason I didn't want to disturb his sleep. So I positioned 2 pillows and tried to rest on them. It didn't help too. Even when I sat down the pain became intense. I recited several verses of Ayat Syifa' that I know and rubbed my chest 7 times. Then I recited the du'a Nabi Ayub. I tried to free my mind from the worry and fears.

I threw one pillow away. And the bolster too. After tossing around several times, I laid on my right side and continued with the zikirs until I dozed off. It was the azan suboh (the morning prayer call) that woke me up again. I saw MH already got out of the bathroom and I sat for awhile and did a few simple stretching exercises. Then I went into the bathroom after they boys took their turn taking the ablution. I rushed to the kitchen after solat and the pain came back. I tried pushing away the worries by reciting some zikirs while cooking some breakfast. I just made myself busy and tried to let the concentration went somewhere else.

IdrisZ came and mentioned he felt like not wanting to go to school and I asked him why was that. He said he's not feeling well and I could see his lips had changed colours to dark red - an indication that fever has set in. I felt his face, it felt hot, no wonder the lips looked like burnt! I took the medicines and placed the bottles on the kitchen table. I asked him to get dress and asked him to eat his breakfast first. I rushed to the bathroom for a nice bath - it is the time I used my visualisation technique to wash away the remaining cancer cells, if any. It's a must-to-do bathing chore and after that I felt quite good. Refreshed. Without the pain. And the fears subsided too.

I gave my little sweetheart the medication and asked him to wear the sweater. The pain seemed to have been gone. Alhamdulillah. Then we went off to my mom's house to send the boys. In the car I mentioned to MH. He looked at me with concerns. He asked why I didn't wake him up. I said: Tak sampai hati lah...

It was in the train that the pain came back. And I'm still having this pain - the piercing-pressing kind of poking sensation. After a while it feels like a burning sensation. Right there at the incision area. I can't be sure if it's like in the chest or in the bones. The fear keep coming back haunting me with suspicions that I am afraid to mention. I'll try to keep the negative thoughts from streaming in. I cannot allow the negative thoughts to spread the negative energy. I need to keep my mind positive. I must.

Thank God, the work in the office is not much today. My boss is away oversea too so at least I can lie in my room (I have a special resting place - that is quite secluded and I use it for my praying area too) without much disturbance. I'll be meeting my oncologist this Friday. I will note her with my current situation. I pray hard the fear is just a worry feeling. Hopefully....hopefully...

"Ya Allah, ketika begini ia datang, ketakutan mengusir kekuatan yang ada padaku. Aku mohon padaMu Ya Allah, kuatkan semangatku. Jauhkan aku dari musykil yang membawa fikiranku berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Tabahkan aku Ya Allah. Cekalkan aku Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya aku yakin denganMu. Apa yang telah Kau tetapkan bagiku adalah yang terbaik bagiku. Kau kentalkan jiwaku dan tingkatkanlah imanku. Amin ya robbb...."

It's OK...

'It's okay to adore you from far'

Photo Courtesy: U.Lee

It's okay
to stumble and lost your balance
So that you can find a good grip
and be more focus
with where you are heading to

It's okay
To fall as you walk or run
So that you learn to find ways
to get up and start all over again

It's okay to cry
and you release the worry
with every drop of tears

It's okay
to experience ache and pains
So that the body can heal itself
And soul is purified
That every pain is a cleansing
For the accumulated sins
His Mercy is bountiful
Seek for his forgiveness, always!

It's okay
to have all shortcomings in life
For every difficulty lies a treasure of life
That we call wisdom
For every test comes with His Greatest Love
That strengthens the faith
For every tears takes away sorrow
And brings hope with determination

It's okay
If you are not rich
For God doesn't see
the worldly wealth matters

It's okay
If you are seen as hopeless
For you know how far you can go
It's to God that you need to prove
So it's okay
When people 'hush-hush' about you!

RG-26 May 2008

I've been sick with viral fever and flu. The body aches and joint pains have gone. The stuffy nose and watery eyes haven't. But it's okay, I'm fine. This is just nothing compared to the worse pains I've experienced.

Indeed, this is a small reminder to me. This is needed once a while to make sure I don't digress.

Praise to Allah the Most Merciful.

Feeding The Mind

'Vibrant'

I received an email from a friend that I haven't met but have been in constant communication like we have known for ages asking about my health condition. Maybe she can't visit my blog, otherwise she would have noted that from my tone here, I'm pretty okay. So far God has given me the 'pink of health' as many would quote. Alhamdulillah.

Now I face this heaty body temperature as MH noted. First I noted this condition was last week during the gathering at Bapak's house when my aunty noted my hand felt hot like I'm having a fever. Then MH noted a few days later. It's not troublesome for me though. I still can bear all, insya'Allah. One thing good, I now drink more plain water than before and sweat even in my sleep. Maybe the tamoxifen pills have given some effect to my menstruation cycle and I'm currently facing the symptoms of menopause... like hot flushes and heatiness

Actually today I'm supposed to have the follow up check with the surgeon for the latest mammogram that I did some weeks ago. The nurse had called me late last Friday to tell me that the follow up check needs to be rescheduled to 17th June since the doctor will be away.

The nurse also informed me that she believed nothing worrisome was noted from the film otherwise the mammo nurse would have alerted the surgeon about it. From the nurse's word I gathered that the size of the detected lump doesn't increase so there is no need for any surgery, yet. And it may not look edgy or sharp like this (see the photo below - photo source from National Cancer Institute.Org)

So, I'm 'on' for this waiting game. For today's food for thought I include some phrases that I personally think worth pondering... maybe it's one of the ways for us to enrich our mind and hopefully some phrases will make us change our habit and thus enrich our soul.

PHRASES FOR THOUGHT

Anger is a condition in which

the tongue works faster than the mind.

You can't change the past,

but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

All people smile in the same language.

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all.

It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

Everyone needs to be loved...

especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth

is what he has invested in eternity.

Everyone has beauty

but not everyone sees it.

It's important for parents to live

the same things they teach.

Thank God for what you have,

TRUST GOD for what you need.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow,

you have no today to be thankful for.

Man looks at outward appearance

but God looks within.

The choice you make today

will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh, for it is

the music of the soul.

If anyone speaks badly of you,

live so none will believe it.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor

when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working

through conflicts together.

The best thing parents can do

for their children is to love each other.

Harsh words break no bones

but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty,

one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things

that we should be giving thanks for.

Love is the only thing that can be

divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others

but does not depend upon others.

For every minute you are angry with someone,

you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.

Have a GREAT DAY folks!