Too Many in Too Little

It has been 3 weeks that I have not updated this blog. My condition was bad and I am still not well. Today, with heavy head I try to write and see if I can complete it and publish it. Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim...

I was okay for 2 days after taking the herbal concoction given by the Traditional & Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. After that series and bouts of pains and fever start to increasingly reducing my ability to get up and move around.

The pain came on my left shoulder and abdomen troubled my sleep. I would get 15 mins of sleep and that's the most. The pain became intense and excruciating that I have nothing else in my mind except pledging for Allah's mercy and love to reduce the pain. I seldom talk, in fact I became some who was not bubbly at all. People don't see my pain and I have not had that sick face so they don't quite figure out why I hardly can't move around or I became so quiet and most of the time I dwell in my world. My world of zikrullaah actually.

Alhamdulillah, my family understands my condition. My children helped me walk to the bathrooms. They took turn serving me and making sure I don't move to the kitchen to send the plates. They vacuum the house because they know there are many visitors coming. My mother cooks for me. They all become a clear evidence of the many blessing bounty that Allah still provided me for....Alhamdulillah...

The fever was odd. It came at 3 pm and subsided by night and flared up again by 3am.... With the pain and the fever, to push myself about living my life to the fullest was really hard. All I have hope. Hope that becomes a prayer. A prayer that Allah cures all pains and fever. I am still thankful, even in this difficulties my hope and my prayers didn't get washed away. Yet, they heightened and I am so much in this believe that Allah is very close to me because I feel so calm and at peace even when I battled my pains and fever.

Hubby said I moaned in my little sleep but I was like uttering istighfar most of the time. I understand the power of istighfar and zikr in times like this. It is not making me thinking about death but it is making me feeling the love of Allah embracing me.

My upper stomach has started to protrude. That's the sign of the stretching liver. The cancers cause it to happen. Like the pain too. The cancers in the liver cause it to occur. Yesterday, the Oncologist gave me the steroid of Dexamethasone for a week to reduce the stretching liver and hopefully will reduce the pain. I was given some sleeping pills so that I can I can sleep well and my body can rest. Otherwise, the sleep deprivation will make me losing energy by day time and that make the body easily tired, like what I was feeling for the past 3 weeks.

I have stopped taking the herbal concoction as told the MO that it defeats the objective of the complementary unit which is to increase the quality of life of the chronic patient. In my case it has proven to aggravate its decline. I want to continue doing my way, InsyaAllah Allah will guide me.

Alhamdulillah, last night I slept well and not get disturbed by the pain. I didn't even complete my 100 zikr of Hasbiyal Allaahi wa nikmal wakeel. Today, I am feeling fresher and able to sit longer. So far typing this entry seems fine with me. The heavy head has gone by now. Syukur...

Today, I will have many visitors. I have been getting many these past weeks. Alhamdulillah, thank you all for making your time coming to visit me. There are so many fadhilats in visiting the sick. I have not forgotten to pray to each of you that Allah forgives all your sins and shower His many barakah and rahmah in your life.

Alhamdulillah, the preparation for the Umrah trip is slowly in order. Alhamdulillah I will be accompanied by my darling hubby MH in the trip. I am taking this opportunity to seek forgiveness from all of you for the wrongdoings I have done. Maybe my tone of writing is not to your liking. Maybe my way of giving nasihat and reminder is not fancied by you. Maybe my way of expressing me thoughts and experiences is not in your favour.

Let's hope this is not the final entry. Should it be, I hope it becomes an avenue that people seek for some good guidance, InsyaAllah.

God bless you all.