The Troubled Mind

These few days my mind is pre-occupied with so many issues to ponder upon. My usual walking back from office was normally done not in a haste or rush manner. Instead I would just walk slowly as I watched the drivers thronged the road in Jalan Ampang. Whether it is raining or not, the road is one helluva of the busiest route in Kuala Lumpur.

And a fews days ago, I almost got knocked down by a car. We both stopped at the nick of time. I trembled and like a big whack on my head, I heard myself saying louder to myself: What was I thinking??? There point, I sought forgiveness by uttering istighfars many times. It was indeed a close call. I didn't even look at the driver. I just raised my hands as a sign of apology for not focusing while walking....

Alhamdulillah, nothing bad happened. The mood is bruised but that's okay. On my way back home, I didn't know what I saw. The scenery I saw left an empty picture in my mind for I was still traumatised with what had just happened.

The lesson was learned. The hard way. You see, I thought I can think of many issues and let my small brain carries them in my mind. So much so that they bothered my focus and made me forget the usual thing I do, that is reciting zikirs while walking. So human I am, easily troubled by issues and the mind got boggled with matters I know I cannot handle. I forgot that there is God to take care of all issues that we have no idea how to solve them. And the key is to remember to take the issue one matter at a time. The more I ponder about the many issues, the more headache I got. Anyway, there is a reason why God gives us a small brain in a small skull. That makes more logic so that we don't get big headed huh?

What's bothering me?

The discussion with the oncologist about the cost of my chemo after the subsidized completes that is in another 3 more cycles. Yes, you hear me right. I get the subsidized treatment and it has helped lessening the burden of having escalating medical expenses. I have been pondering whether I want to continue taking Xeloda. If I do, I may need to consider putting aside RM1500.00 a month for a bottle consisting of 120 Xeloda pills that I can get it from a pharmacy after being prescribed by the Oncologist. That's like burning a large hole in my purse.

My mind was also troubled with my friend's condition. She is dying due to the spreading of the cancer cells to many parts of her body. She's weak, having no mood to eat, no energy to get up, prefers to sleep as a matter of trying to brush aside the pain in her heart, chest bone and spine. She breathes in a difficult manner. She has 2 sons aged 10 and 9. My heart goes out to her every time I called her son or visited her. And her husband is the sole breadwinner and he is abroad unable to get a flight back home.

I get pretty upset thinking about my boys and their studies. The 'boys will be boys' tagline cannot be applied now as now is the exam time. How they can still have the jolly molly time when their studies are jumbo mumbo is beyond my understanding. Their confidence whenever I asked them to do the test booklets that I bought for them is another aspect that I have difficulty comprehending. They don't like to do revision and how can they say the test is as easy as eating peanuts? Cracking the peanuts also needs efforts! OMG!

These are some big issues domineering my mind. And there are some other small yet major things that I wish not to list them here. They are personal and domestic issues. No, they are not about me and MH. We both are okay. But we both are troubled with the same issues.

Last few nights were my reconciliation time with God. Nothing I beseech except a clear mind and a calmer heart. I need His guiding light to lead me out of this dark tunnel. Istikharah prayer is one way I must continue so that I know which direction I need to take about my treatment. I want to continue the Qi Gong as it has helped lessening the joint pains and improving the blood circulation. Having this session alone is quite expensive too. We'll wait, where my heart is bound, if it is heavier to forgetting Xeloda, then I may not continue taking it. I just need Allah to give me the signs which one would be the best.

As I do the reconciliation with God, I find other issues less demeaning. I found peace and realized that we must not think too much. Why worry of the uncertain matters? Pray hard for the best while preparing for the worse. That includes some plans of taking out my EPF savings. InsyaAllah, with God assistance, I will find my way out.

Allah also knows the best for my friend. I will continue parying for her so that she is given the remaining strength and the courage to fight even though she looks like she is nearing death... sometimes, Allah's midas touch happens just to open our insight, that someone so frail be given another chance to continue living. And someone so healthy leaves the world surprisingly...

We have this small brain, why must cramp it with so many issues?

Astaghfirullah... I seek your forgiveness dear Lord for forgetting you that You are so Omnipresent and so near to me and You have never leave alone in this darkness. Forgive me Ya Robb for failing to see that! I am seeking Your forgiveness Ya Robb!