First it attacked the body. And the mind was still strong, solid. Then the body started to feel unbearable. The twitchings became excruciating. The throbbing pressed prickling sensations on it too. Then the mind got troubled. Pangs of sadness swept. Combined with the troubled mind, these are doses of negative energy.
I'm talking about me. The pain and aches on my back and legs are slowly taking away the positive mood in me. Some issues in the office are not lessening my situation. In fact, they aggravate my down mood. Even now I'm thinking about leaving this job. This morning I even cautioned MH about my decision. He said: Ok, if you decide that. Rezeki Allah yang tentukan, we'll brace this.
Been persuading myself to have more zikirs and to think positively. But again, with this pain, it is so, so difficult to push myself! Oh God... help me!
I have gotten some reactions from people that this situation indicates that I'm not doing good enough for my body. That I haven't done this or that. That I haven't taken what they are taking. Maybe their intention is good but the words thrown at me sounded more like they are judging me. Why? Is it because I don't do what they do or eat what they eat? I'm beginning to feel sore and tired with such remarks.
A couple of weeks ago, I even got verbal remarks pertaining to my body size. The fact that I'm battling with cancer in this body size... maybe they are thinking that I should be skinny and frail. So what they see is not what they think and they become confuse... Is this woman really in trouble? Maybe that's what they are thinking.
I always projected a good mood because I believe when the mood is okay, the mind will follow suit. But off late, it's been difficult projecting a good mood. This is like having a storm and the sea can't stay calm!
"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah aku lisan yang lembut sentiasa basah mengingatiMu dan meneyebut namaMU, hati yang penuh segar mensyukuri nikmat-nikmatMu walaupun sakit ini begitu payah bagiku, berilah aku sedikit kekuatanMu padaku Ya Robb... amiin."
Melissa Etheridge - I Run For Life (Live)
1 hour ago
22 comments:
This is the test... Remember that not everyone is sincere. Keep the faith strong as you always do! Allah yang menyembuh dan melegakan; semua dengan izinNya.
hugs, kisses and du'as from Coventry always...
Dear Raden,
I have such remarks too - like "if you don't complete your chemo it will recur". I got pissed off too of such statement but now I don't care. Pedulikan apa org nak kata as long as I'm happy. Hang in there girl. If you are sad, I feel sad too and it's not good for us.
Hugs,
Yati Notts
Sis, I also find myself frustrated by the attitudes of some people. Just be yourself, stay strong, and do what you think is best.
No matter what, you're an inspiration to me. I had it easy; you're kicking ass on the front lines. Keep up the good fight.
It's a personal journey, everyone is an individual. You are strong and so positive, we have to stop worrying about what others think about how we fight our battles. You inspire many others.
Hopefully you can find what works for you for the pain and aches!
i know it's not easy but sis, I hope the patience and strength is always with you.
Raden, my heart goes out to you. It is such a difficult journey.
Often people give advice hoping to help ... but they don't see the other side. It is frustrating for me too.
I hope relief comes soon.
Kak...ira faham sgt situasi akak sekarang. Coz Ira pun lalui perkara yg sama...
Moga akak terus tabah.
Ya Allah, berilah kami kekuatan utk melalui semua nie.
Hugs,
Ira
Dear Sis,
I know how bad the pain is. I'm, experiencing it too - the twitches at my ribs, the back and leg pain. I know at times it's unbearable and only tears and prayers to the alMighty are testimonies of what we're going thro. Hang on as I know one day the alMighty will have mercy on us and make all these pain go away.
...kadang-kadang, apa ubat nak kasi all these insensitive people to be more sensitive giving unsolicited remarks and advice, eh???
first and foremost, are they in pain themselves???
i really do hope those people read this entry and the comments, and LEARN.
you hang in there, kakak. prayers for you, too...
imagine kita semua pegang tangan kakak and peluk kakak, otey? *hugs*
hai,
yes, one day we r strong, the other day we just break down, losing it... hmmm thats life.... i have an ailment too and not everybody understand what we r going thru... some people do understand, some tried to understand but cant and some dont even give a damn and just look at us at the corner of their eyes... i tried to be strong and took it easy mossst of the times, laughing it off , trying to rush the pain away... and i think u felt the same too, actually the psychological pain is even worser that the real pain itself... how some pain just being ignorant, tried to judge u, and say whatever passed their minds without even bother how itll affect people like us..
well.... u can be strong, or tried to act strong most of the time... but give urself a break...
u DONT have to be a hero alllll the time... i faham, i'm a woman, a mother and a wife too... sometimes, when the mind and body feel that it's enuff for them to hold, they just can handle it anymore...
let go the feeling,.... cry, or even break down once in a while,.... cry like a baby on ur hubby's shoulder.... say whatever u have in ur mind... admit that u u tired, u cant stand it anymore, u feel like losing it, u feel down, useless etc etc.... let it out !!!!..
oh my god, u'll feel like human again after that... believe me...
me.. broke down last week... took a week to collect my stength again... now i feeeeelll much better... like starting a new life...
try it d, who knows it might work for u...
p/s... have lots of sex too... it helps... haha.. ( i'm serious ! )
dalilah,
my dearest sis.....i pray for your well-being. May Allah give you strength and fortitude as He had given you throughout your journey.Your journey is also ours for we have learnt so much from you.
I feel your pain. yet I will never really know.
Take care. you are always in my prayers...
Until we meet again,
Much love,
kak Ena
Salam, i just feel like giving you a big hug at tnis moment. Just want you to know that i care about you.
Salam Raden...jgn sesekali brputus asa...sentiasalah berfikiran positif...
Akak hanya dpt mendoakan Raden...tapi raden sendiri kena kuat...
Take care...
Oh my dear :(
I am sure that Allah has some better plans for you. Just stay strong. Keep the faith and pray ..I will keep you in my prayers ..
Kisses & Hugs...
Assalamualaikum Sis,
Much have been written to pacify you dear strong and super lady!!!
May Allah Bless you all the way through sunshine, rainy or stormy days. Keep on praying then tawakkal... persevere, submit to Him and do what you think is best for yourself. InsyaAllah, you would get through all these tests and tribulations with Blessing from Him. He LOVES so much... that's why you are being tested this way. Amin.
Just ignore "them all"! Just remember that you have gone this far without "their" helps... To all the "words" they said about you....just say this "SO WHAT"?
Take care. Wassalam.
Kak Emy
Dear Raden,
Salam berkenalan,
This is one of the bad moments in your battle. It is tough, it is hard and you wish you can press a button and make the pain go away.
Insyallah, you can press that button though it will take a lot of afford and you need to keep reaching for it.
Alhamdulillah, I have pressed my button many a time.
My prayers are with you always.
Dalilah,
I guess, people meant well, they probably felt frustrated as they feared about your malignancy. The thing is they don't really know how difficult it is to practice.
Just sharing with you. When I ate the 80/10/10 way, I thought durians should be good, so bila durian kami gugur, kami pun lantaklah, lepas seminggu makan durian hari2, my regional nodes started to send messages to me again............so gaknya betul la macam ramai chinese patients kat sini percaya, durian tu menyuburkan cancer....Wallahualam.
Dalilah,
If you dare to try my pain releif concoction:
7 helai daun menkudu, blend into smoothie texture with 1 green apple, amount about a glass, and drink via a fat straw....get ready a prune or a date to remove the after taste.
If my nodes swells up or I have severe back pain, it sure relieve the pain. I guess, the daun is alkalanizing and good anticancer.
It works for me. I hope you'll find your way too. Dr. Chris Teo, also sells herbs for pain. Quite effective but as all effective concoction, it taste horrible.
Take care and yes if the work is stressful, it is good to take time and relax...I wish I could do that...tell me if the mengkudu works...can recommend to others...I don't know how I got the idea in the fist place, sampai botak pokok mengkudu kat rumah...
Kak....
Semoga yang sakit bersabar dan redha dengan ketentuan Allah. Supaya dengan kesakitan yang diberi menjadi penghapus dosa....
Dan semoga yang sihat mensyukuri nikmat atas kesihatan yang diberikan.....siapapun kita, bersyukurlah kerana hanya Allah yang mengetahui mana yang layak dan terbaik untuk diri kita...;-)
Daling,
It has been a long while since I last left a msg here. I've been a zombie the past 2 months - all for work. Why? I don't know.
You've been very strong, almost like an icon to me since you had your first diagnosis. My pains cannot compare with the ones you have, at any time. My sadness will never equal the ones you are going through. Don't lose the battle, our prayers are always with you.Istighfar, zikir and solat are the key. Stay on for your children, your family and most importantly yourself. The Almighty always listens...take a break and regain your spirit. Take care!
hanimzain
amin
Dear Dalilah,
Your words move me beyond measure.
I wish I knew you better, however, after reading the little bit that I have, I feel like I do.
Your spirit is so beautiful.
Not only is life a journey, but cancer as well.
Cancer teaches us so many lessons. In fact, the hardest lessons we have to learn.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
With love.
Melissa
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