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Innalillahi wainna ilaihi roji'un. La hawla wala quata illa billahil aliyul 'azim.

I received the call I do not wish to receive or I would rather not receive. This morning. It happened. The chestpain was intense since last night and it becomes excruciating pain that squeezes the chest when I received the call. My heart beats so fast that I was gasping for air. Tears welled up before I could even open my mouth to utter the words as my reply to the caller. Sadness mounted. I choked. My voice trembled as I replied the call.

It was the call from the Onco Clinic of HKL. The call I do not wish to get anytime soonest. The call I only wish to get 3 months from the last PET Scan check day.

My Onco doctor wants to see me next Monday. I have planned something else for Monday. Monday will be my birthday and am thinking of celebrating with a colleague who will also celebrating her birthday on that day. We thought of going for a special lunch that day.

Now I have to cancel that plan. I need to face the doc and brace for whatever news my Doctor needs to tell me. Yet, I smell something amiss here. I know I should not be playing with my emotions and keep staying positive now. But the sense is just too strong for me to brush aside. It's so overwhelming me. MH cancels his meeting and will accompany me. Tawakkal is the word he keeps telling me. I told him Insya'Allah, will do that. But the tears is about to break the dam. I just need an avenue to let it out. I think it's better to cry now then to cry on Monday. Maybe if I cry now, by Monday I won't have anymore tears to cry.

I sms-ed Doc Tokasid right away for he always have ideas how to make me think positively. And to Naga too. I istighfar and did the zikr munajat while in the train trying to control the tears from streaming down. I choked and 'ate' back the tears and it's so heavy doing so. It felt like a heavy lump stucked on my throat. I trembled every time doing so.

I felt like I wanted to vomit after that. I felt my stomach aches badly. I stopped at the Ampang Station and went to the toilet. I locked myself in the tiolet and cried my heart out. I just needed to let go this choking lump on my throat.

I really do not have the energy to work today. My mind is too disturbed. My heart trembles with fear. I wept in agony.

"Ya Allah, give me the strength to brace what you have charted in my life. Give me the courage to accept it as part of the best thing for my life. Give me the peace of mind and heart to accept the coming news with strong faith and full acceptance. I redha Ya Allah. Please hold my hand and take me to right path Ya Allah. Amiin"