Deeply Blessed...

Alhamdulillah, my deepest gratitude to the AlMighty for giving answer that I want to hear. I couldn't explain the feeling of relief when the doctor read out the report to me. Tears just welled in and I started to weep. The doctor understood this anxiety had been so overwhelming, she just squeezed my hand giving me a body language: Go ahead, it's okay to cry and I'm here with you.

I asked the doctor that I wanted to read the report again and again. I just wanted to see the writing of the report. If what I read was what I heard. The report stated: Degenerative changes have occured in the bones particularly on the shoulders and knees. Bonescan is negative for bone metastasis.

Metastasis is a clinical term. The simple language, it means spread. So the cancer is not spreading to the bones. Alhamdulillah Ya Robbi. You've answered all our prayers. I feel so indebted to all of you who have taken a minute or two thingking of me and forwarding a prayer for my wellness.

I didn't quite get what the first sentence meant. That degenerative changes word is also a clinical term, I take it. So I asked the doctor to tell me in layman's term. She said that my bones especially on the shoulders and knees lack density. And that causes the pain to come and go. That's why I would feel the throbbing, sometimes something like a burning sensation attacking the bones.

Fragile? I'm facing bones fragility? I asked the doctor. She said yes and she was also concerned because I am not supposed to have this problem since I'm still young. It should occur on aged people. I told the doctor maybe because I'm lactose intolerant, so I'm facing this at this age. 40 years old..oppsss this year I will be 41, is still considered young to my Oncologist. I guess, she was just being nice to me.

I asked if that could be the effect of tamoxifen and she said that cannot be because I'm still having my menses. It might if I am already menopause. The doctor later suggested that I increase the consumption of the calcium lactate tablets. From a pill aday to 2 pills a day and she prescribed me another pill - Alfacalcidol- to ensure the optimal absorption of the calcium in the bones. She asked me to do another blood test. This time she wanted to know my calcium baseline and she also included a test for cancer markers. I've got to meet her again on the 15th of February. I right away blocked the date on my PDA.

As I got out the clinic, I couldn't help to run to MH and blurted: Alhamdulillah, it's not cancer darling! He looked at me in bewilderment: Then why are you in pain? So I explained to him, trying to give him exactly what the Oncologist told me, verbatim. I still could see he was still not getting it. I told him: Let's take it as what the proof of the bonescan. I'm facing bones fragility now not cancer spreading in the bones. I will be in pain and with the calcium pills the problems on the bones won't be recovered fast. It takes time. I will still be in pain but it's a blessed it's not the cancer because I cannot afford to see you do all the house chores with me feeling so sick undergoing chemotherapy. Now, we can do it together. Everything together, dear!

It took a while for him to understand what I said. Later of the day, I only see him smiling and joking back to me. Alhamdulillah, he understood. I was just scared that he thought I faked all those pains. Gosh! What a thought! I did my gratitude pray - solat sunat syukur- just to express my deepest gratitude to my Creator. He gives me this pain, He is also the One to cure it. Miracles truly belong to Him. I just can't help but to cry in my prayers. I felt so small indeed!

I started texting all my buddies, both I've known in person or those I only know from blogs and never meet them. But they are all close in my heart, they are my brothers and sisters-regardless of their skin colour, race and religion. I just felt so indebted to all of you. Without the prayers from MH, my children, my parents, my siblings, my friends - all of you- God won't bestow me His mercy and gave the answer that was like a beautiful melody to my ears, a serenity to this troubling mind. Thank you bro KataTaknak for posting something about this news. Thank you Kerp dearie for keeping me noted about it. Thank you all for your virtual hugss...OH! Those hugsss meant a lot dear!

I wanted to update the blog the very next day. But I felt very, very sick on the 10 Assyura after sahur. The pain on the rib bones was excruciating. This time the throbbing came with a piercing sensation. I managed to complete my puasa sunat but the pain continued to Sunday. Still I went to Amcorp Mall for the flea market business. At least, seeing new friends would make me not thinking about the pain. Seeing the happy faces gave remedy to this troubling heart. Last night, I retired early after the Isya' prayer.

Syukur, this morning I felt energized. The pain has gone. Whether it's just temporarily gone, it doesn't matter. I just feel blessed, Allah gives me so many chances to enjoy my life. Today, I put up this happy face to tell others my gratitude for the sweet air I breathe. God bless, dear friends!

"I survived my journey.

My raft, although battered by storms and raging currents, is still afloat."

~ Myra Shostak, a Breast Cancer Survivor.